70+ Best 'The Umbrella Academy' Quotes: "Super. Dysfunctional. Family."

The Umbrella Academy Quotes

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(Herb and Dot appear in a field full of dead commissioners...)

Herb: Yowza.

Dot: I should've brought my parka.

Herb: Yeah. Oh, wow. (Herb is stepping over the dead) Excuse me, pardon me.

Dot: Ooh...

Herb: Watch your step.

Vanya Hargreeves: I don't deserve to live. I killed Pogo. I almost killed Allison. I destroyed the world. I'm a monster.

Ben Hargreeves: Dad treated you like a bomb before you ever were one. He was... so scared of your power, he never let you use it. Drugged you up, kept you numb for years. That's messed up, Vanya. No wonder you couldn't control it. Dad couldn't handle your anger. That doesn't mean you can't. And maybe you have a right to be pissed off and sad and messed up, but... it's a sh*tty world full of sh*tty people sometimes. You aren't a monster. You're my sister. And right now, our siblings are risking everything out there trying to save you. You aren't alone at the table anymore, Vanya. You can do this.

Klaus Hargreeves: No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Diego Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: If you don't make it back, there's one thing that I need to tell you.

Diego Hargreeves: Klaus, I don't have time for this.

Klaus Hargreeves: Please.

Diego Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know.

Diego Hargreeves: Thanks, man.

Number Five: You're not supposed to exist in close proximity to yourself in the same timeline. The side effects can be disastrous.

Luther Hargreeves: Side effects? What sort of side effects?

Number Five: Well, according to Commission Handbook Chapter 27, subsection 3b, the seven stages in paradox psychosis are... stage one: denial, two: itching, three: extreme thirst and urination, four: excessive gas, five: acute paranoia, six: uncontrolled perspiration, and seven: homicidal rage.

Luther Hargreeves: We don't belong here. We have to go back.

Allison Hargreeves: I don't know if I can.

Luther Hargreeves: Allison... we're different than everyone else. We're special. And good or bad, that means we don't get to live normal lives. Here or anywhere.

Allison Hargreeves: It's not fair.

Luther Hargreeves: I know. But we have to risk everything to save everything. I mean, that's our best trait as a family, right?

Allison Hargreeves: What? Recklessness?

Luther Hargreeves: Hope.

Klaus Hargreeves (to Ben): No cutting of the hair. I love my look right now. Second, no touchy-touchy down there. Well... maybe I won't mind, you know, but just don't look, because I'm shy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, God, I hate this. Not being able to do anything.

Ben Hargreeves: Klaus, the way you feel right now is the way I feel every day. All I do is watch you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. Welcome to powerlessness.

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, my God. That must suck. I'm sorry.

Ben Hargreeves: You wanna make it up to me?

Klaus Hargreeves: No!

Ben Hargreeves: Come on, please!

Klaus Hargreeves: You cannot possess me.

Diego Hargreeves: We go in there as a united front. No more "Number One," "Number Two" bullsh*t. From now on, it's... Team Zero.

Luther Hargreeves: "Team Zero"?

Diego Hargreeves: Team Zero. All the way.

Klaus Hargreeves: I mean, who in this room knows sh*t about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau.

Vanya Hargreeves: Her name's Sissy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.

Vanya Hargreeves: What!?

Klaus Hargreeves: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch...

Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): Later.

Klaus Hargreeves: For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.

Allison Hargreeves: Okay, again, we are not biological.

Klaus Hargreeves: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up.

Luther Hargreeves: Look, maybe trying to stop doomsday is exactly what starts it. Did you ever think of that?

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, so we do nothing? Since when are you a quitter?

Luther Hargreeves: Since the last time I destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance.

Diego Hargreeves: So this is about you never living up to the old man's expectations bullsh*t, huh?

Luther Hargreeves: Maybe. I don't know, I mean, we're all crazy where Dad's concerned.

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, I'm not. He's an a**hole. I'm awesome. That's very simple.

(Number Five is explaining the new end of the world came back with them...)

Number Five: We have until Monday. We have six days.

Klaus Hargreeves: Is it Vanya?

Allison Hargreeves: Klaus!

Klaus Hargreeves: What? It's usually Vanya.

Allison Hargreeves: Hey, Diego. Can't say hi to nobody?

Diego Hargreeves: Hi, Allison.

Allison Hargreeves: What was that?

Diego Hargreeves: Hi, Allison!

Allison Hargreeves: Thank you!

The Umbrella Academy Quotes

The Umbrella Academy Quotes


Title: The Umbrella Academy
Format: TV Series
Genres: Action, Adventure, Comedy, Drama, Fantasy, Sci-Fi
Produced by: Netflix
Release Date: 15 February 2019

Synopsis / Summary

In an inexplicable worldwide event, forty-three extraordinary children were spontaneously born by women who’d previously shown no signs of pregnancy. Millionaire inventor Reginald Hargreeves adopted seven of the children; when asked why, his only explanation was, “To save the world.” (Fandom.com)

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Characters / Cast

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A-Z List of Characters

Character Played by
Allison Hargreeves Emmy Raver-Lampman
Ben Hargreeves Justin H. Min
Diego Hargreeves David Castañeda
Klaus Hargreeves Robert Sheehan
Luther Hargreeves Tom Hopper
Number Five Aidan Gallagher
Vanya Hargreeves Ellen Page