Klaus Hargreeves: No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Diego Hargreeves: What?
Klaus Hargreeves: If you don't make it back, there's one thing that I need to tell you.
Diego Hargreeves: Klaus, I don't have time for this.
Klaus Hargreeves: Please.
Diego Hargreeves: What?
Klaus Hargreeves: You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know.
Diego Hargreeves: Thanks, man.
Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, God, I hate this. Not being able to do anything.
Ben Hargreeves: Klaus, the way you feel right now is the way I feel every day. All I do is watch you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. Welcome to powerlessness.
Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, my God. That must suck. I'm sorry.
Ben Hargreeves: You wanna make it up to me?
Klaus Hargreeves: No!
Ben Hargreeves: Come on, please!
Klaus Hargreeves: You cannot possess me.
Klaus Hargreeves: I mean, who in this room knows sh*t about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau.
Vanya Hargreeves: Her name's Sissy.
Klaus Hargreeves: Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.
Vanya Hargreeves: What!?
Klaus Hargreeves: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch...
Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): Later.
Klaus Hargreeves: For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.
Allison Hargreeves: Okay, again, we are not biological.
Klaus Hargreeves: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up.
Klaus Hargreeves: Have you ever heard the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog?
Allison Hargreeves: What?
Klaus Hargreeves: The scorpion wants to get across the river, so he asks the frog to carry him across. But the frog's like, "Well, what's in it for me?" And the scorpion's like, "How about five bucks?" And the frog says, "Make it 20." The scorpion's like, "Ten." The frog goes, "All right, fine, 15." And the scorpion's like, "All right, fine, 15." Then halfway across the river, the frog feels this terrible pain on his back, and... eh... the scorpion stung him. You know? And the frog's like, "Well, what the hell? We're both gonna drown now," and... they both did.
Allison Hargreeves: What the hell is the point of that story!?
Klaus Hargreeves: The point is, frogs are b*tches, and we do not negotiate with terrorists, Allison...
Allison Hargreeves: No. No, no, no. I... I actually can't deal with you right now. Absolutely not.
Raymond Chestnut: You. You got me out?
Klaus Hargreeves: I told you I had friends in high places.
Raymond Chestnut: I don't know what to say.
Klaus Hargreeves: Don't say a word. Anything for family, brother.
Raymond Chestnut: Well, okay.
Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah!
Raymond Chestnut: We are all brothers beneath the skin.
Klaus Hargreeves: No. No, literally. You're my brother-in-law.
Raymond Chestnut: What?
Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, man. Family barbecues are about to get real weird.
Number Five: We use my ability to time travel. But this time, I'll take you with me.
Diego Hargreeves: You can do that?
Number Five: I don't know. I've never tried it before.
Diego Hargreeves: What's the worst that can happen?
Number Five: You're lookin' at it. A 58-year-old man inside a child's body, so there's that.
Diego Hargreeves: Oh, what the hell? I'm in.
Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, whatever. I'm in.
Luther Hargreeves: Me too. Allison? (she nodds yes) What about Ben? (Ben nodds yes too)
Klaus Hargreeves: Great, yeah, he's in.
Ben Hargreeves: You know, I'm tired of seeing you wallow in self-defeat.
Klaus Hargreeves: Well, then avert your gaze.
Ben Hargreeves: You're better than that. And Dave? He knew it, too.
Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, you're right. You're right. I'm... I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Ben Hargreeves: Thank God.
Klaus Hargreeves: Psych! (puts the drugs in his mouth and laughs)
(Ben punches him and makes him spit it out in the process...)
Klaus Hargreeves: Ow! You just Patrick Swayzeed me. How did you do that?
Ben Hargreeves: Uh, I... I didn't. You did. I think.