70+ Best 'The Umbrella Academy' Quotes: "Super. Dysfunctional. Family." | Page 2 of 5

The Umbrella Academy Quotes

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Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, wow. I know this is impossible, but... did we all get sexier?

Luther Hargreeves: How you feeling?

Vanya Hargreeves: Pretty sh*tty, to be honest.

Diego Hargreeves: Where would you say you are on a scale from one to... ending all life on this planet?

Vanya Hargreeves: Really?

Luther Hargreeves: Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She's fine.

Diego Hargreeves: The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended midair, sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles. I think I'm allowed a little time to process.

Elliott: Oh, I would love to see an energy tentacle.

Number Five: Right now, our priority is finding Dad and getting answers, 'cause everything else depends on it.

Diego Hargreeves: Which, for the record, I found him already.

Number Five: And then let him go before we could have a meaningful conversation.

Diego Hargreeves: He stabbed me.

Number Five: I'm surprised he waited this long, Diego. We've all had the urge.

Lila Pitts: Good one.

Klaus Hargreeves: Have you ever heard the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog?

Allison Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: The scorpion wants to get across the river, so he asks the frog to carry him across. But the frog's like, "Well, what's in it for me?" And the scorpion's like, "How about five bucks?" And the frog says, "Make it 20." The scorpion's like, "Ten." The frog goes, "All right, fine, 15." And the scorpion's like, "All right, fine, 15." Then halfway across the river, the frog feels this terrible pain on his back, and... eh... the scorpion stung him. You know? And the frog's like, "Well, what the hell? We're both gonna drown now," and... they both did.

Allison Hargreeves: What the hell is the point of that story!?

Klaus Hargreeves: The point is, frogs are b*tches, and we do not negotiate with terrorists, Allison...

Allison Hargreeves: No. No, no, no. I... I actually can't deal with you right now. Absolutely not.

Vanya Hargreeves: I can't help you, Five. I don't even know who I am.

Number Five: You're our sister. And a member of the Umbrella Academy. Like it or not, that's who you are.

Vanya Hargreeves: Look, that's who I was, okay? New timeline, new me.

Number Five: No, that's not how it work... (Vanya drives off and Luther gives him the finger) Wonder if it's too late to be un-adopted.

Lila Pitts: Is it okay that I don't hate you like I hate most people?

Diego Hargreeves: Yeah. Yeah, that's okay by me. (Diego kisses her and she slaps him) Jesus!

Lila Pitts: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Diego Hargreeves: I don't understand you!

Raymond Chestnut: You. You got me out?

Klaus Hargreeves: I told you I had friends in high places.

Raymond Chestnut: I don't know what to say.

Klaus Hargreeves: Don't say a word. Anything for family, brother.

Raymond Chestnut: Well, okay.

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah!

Raymond Chestnut: We are all brothers beneath the skin.

Klaus Hargreeves: No. No, literally. You're my brother-in-law.

Raymond Chestnut: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, man. Family barbecues are about to get real weird.

Number Five: The hell is wrong with you, Luther? I just told you the world's gonna end in ten days.

Luther Hargreeves: Yeah, well, you're always saying that.

Dancer: I'm more worried about the kid.

Luther Hargreeves: What kid?

Dancer: By the stage. I told him we don't allow minors.

Luther Hargreeves: Oh, yeah? And what'd he say?

Dancer: He asked what time I was getting off work. (laughs)

(Luther goes to the stage...)

Luther Hargreeves (to Five): She's too young for you.

Number Five: Nice to see you too, Luther.

Carl Cooper: I put another missing persons ad in the paper. Figure someone must be searching for ya.

Vanya Hargreeves: Maybe I'm just not the kind of girl you miss.

Sissy Cooper: I doubt that very much. I'm sure we'd miss you already.

Diego Hargreeves: Okay, okay, I'll help you.

Number Five: Thank God.

Diego Hargreeves: After I save Kennedy. And then you swing us back a few decades so I can slit Hitler's throat off with a butter knife.

Number Five: This is why you don't have any friends.

Number Five: We use my ability to time travel. But this time, I'll take you with me.

Diego Hargreeves: You can do that?

Number Five: I don't know. I've never tried it before.

Diego Hargreeves: What's the worst that can happen?

Number Five: You're lookin' at it. A 58-year-old man inside a child's body, so there's that.

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, what the hell? I'm in.

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, whatever. I'm in.

Luther Hargreeves: Me too. Allison? (she nodds yes) What about Ben? (Ben nodds yes too)

Klaus Hargreeves: Great, yeah, he's in.