The Umbrella Academy Quotes

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Luther Hargreeves: I need you to come back to the academy, all right? It's important.

Number Five: "It's important?" You have no concept of what's important.

Klaus Hargreeves: Hey! Did I ever tell you guys about the time I waxed my ass with chocolate pudding? (laughs) It was so painful.

Allison Hargreeves: Things got ugly between Patrick and me. Now the court says I have to do this mandatory therapy thing before I can have visitation.

Luther Hargreeves: What for...? You used your power on her.

Allison Hargreeves: I mean, there were days where she'd have these epic meltdowns. And no matter what I said, she wouldn't stop. She was three then, and I... I know that's what three-year-olds are supposed to do. So I said I would do it that one time. Only it wasn't just that one time. I told myself any... parent with my power would do the same. That it wasn't wrong. I just had an advantage. I mean, from the time I was little, I used it to get everything I wanted. With Dad, with my career... But now, I know nothing in my life was real. So I'm starting over. I just didn't think it would be so hard.

Luther Hargreeves: It'll get easier. Some things just take time.

Allison Hargreeves: Yeah. And some things just stay broken.

Number Five: I'm done funding your drug habit.

Klaus Hargreeves: Come on! You don't... Maybe I just wanna hang out with my brother. (to Ben): Not you. Mi hermano! I love you! Even if you can't love yourself!

Cha-Cha: I don't understand how you can watch this crap.

Hazel: You don't find it interesting, how ordinary people live their lives? They're agonizing over kitchen cabinets as if the entire fate of the universe rests on whether they choose azure blue or asparagus green.

Cha-Cha: And your point is?

Hazel: Sometimes there's beauty in the mundane, you know?

Cha-Cha: Well, then, this is the most beautiful room I've ever seen. (the motel room)

Klaus Hargreeves: I just gotta go into this place and pretend to be your dear old dad, correct?

Number Five: Yeah. Something like that.

Klaus Hargreeves: What's our cover story?

Number Five: What? What are you talking about?

Klaus Hargreeves: I mean, was I really young when I had you? Like, 16? Like, young and... terribly misguided?

Number Five: Sure.

Klaus Hargreeves: Your mother, that sl*t. Whoever she was. We met at... the disco. Okay? Remember that. Oh, my God, the sex was amazing.

Number Five: What a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain.

Klaus Hargreeves: Don't make me put you in time-out.

Number Five: When I jumped forward and got stuck in the future, do you know what I found?

Vanya Hargreeves: No.

Number Five: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. As far as I could tell, I was the last person left alive. I never figured out what killed the human race, but... I did find something else. The date it happens. The world ends in eight days, and I have no idea how to stop it.

Pogo: He leaves behind a complicated legacy...

Diego Hargreeves: He was a monster. (Klaus laughs) He was a bad person and a worse father. The world's better off without him.

Allison Hargreeves: Diego.

Diego Hargreeves: My name is Number Two. You know why? Because our father couldn't be bothered to give us actual names. He had Mom do it.

Luther Hargreeves: How long were you there?

Number Five: Forty-five years. Give or take.

Luther Hargreeves: So what are you saying? That you're 58?

Number Five: No, my consciousness is 58. Apparently, my body is now 13 again.

Vanya Hargreeves: Wait, how does that even work?

Number Five: Delores kept saying the equations were off. Eh. Bet she's laughing now.

Luther Hargreeves: Looks like some sort of temporal anomaly. Either that or a miniature black hole. One of the two.

Diego Hargreeves: Pretty big difference there, Paul Bunyan.

Klaus Hargreeves: Out of the way! (runs out with fire extinguisher)

Diego Hargreeves: What are you...

(Klaus tries to fight the anomaly by spraying it with the fire extinguisher and then throws it at it making to difference.)

Allison Hargreeves: What is that gonna do?

Klaus Hargreeves: I don't know. Do you have a better idea?

Klaus Hargreeves: I can't just call Dad in the afterlife and be like, "Dad, could you just... stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment and take a quick call?"

Luther Hargreeves: Did you see Diego?

Allison Hargreeves: With his stupid outfit?

Luther Hargreeves: Oh, I know. Do you think he wears that thing in the bathroom?

Allison Hargreeves: Like in the shower?

Luther Hargreeves: Yeah.

Allison Hargreeves: Yes, absolutely!

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