Klaus Hargreeves: I mean, who in this room knows sh*t about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau.

Vanya Hargreeves: Her name's Sissy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.

Vanya Hargreeves: What!?

Klaus Hargreeves: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch...

Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): Later.

Klaus Hargreeves: For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.

Allison Hargreeves: Okay, again, we are not biological.

Klaus Hargreeves: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up.