John Bennett (to Blaire): I'll tell you one thing. I would never watch p*rn again. Even if it was everywhere, all the time. Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket that would give it to me whenever I wanted so I could jerk off at a moment's notice. No. Never again.

Narrator: John kept his promise. For the next two years. Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, he pulled on his p*nis so hard, it damn near came off. That didn't deter him from masturbating four more times before going to a local urgent care, where he waited eight hours in line behind dozens of other men who had also nearly pulled their p*nises off after discovering the internet. And now, today, anyone you talk to has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. This is Ian McKellen, reminding you: don't shake anyone's hand. Good night.