10+ Best 'Ted (2024)' Quotes | Scattered Quotes

John Bennett: Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag.

Ted: Mirrors and small children pointing at things that you can't see.

John Bennett: Oh, sh*t. Yeah, that's a bad one. Oh, and when the Black guy says, oh, I'll go check out what the noise is in the basement. That's always trouble.

Ted: Yeah, why does the Black guy always die?

John Bennett: Yeah, isn't that kind of racist?

Ted: Seems like it.

John Bennett: They should have only white people in those movies.

Ted: Oh, yeah, so then the Black guys won't get killed. Blaire, we just came up with a great way to make movies less racist.

John Bennett (to Blaire): I'll tell you one thing. I would never watch p*rn again. Even if it was everywhere, all the time. Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket that would give it to me whenever I wanted so I could jerk off at a moment's notice. No. Never again.

Narrator: John kept his promise. For the next two years. Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, he pulled on his p*nis so hard, it damn near came off. That didn't deter him from masturbating four more times before going to a local urgent care, where he waited eight hours in line behind dozens of other men who had also nearly pulled their p*nises off after discovering the internet. And now, today, anyone you talk to has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. This is Ian McKellen, reminding you: don't shake anyone's hand. Good night.

John Bennett: We have to run away, never to return.

Ted: I see no other option.

John Bennett: I'm going to miss this house. Goodbye, water-stained ceilings.

Ted: Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way.

John Bennett: Goodbye, windows painted shut.

Ted: Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close.

John Bennett: Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper.

Ted: Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry.

John Bennett: Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.

Ted: Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it.

John Bennett: Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago.

Ted: Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags.

John Bennett: Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner.

Ted: Jesus, let's get the f**k out of here.

John Bennett: Yeah, no sh*t.

Priest (to Susan): Well, Matty is your husband. And if one of you is bored in the marriage, then the other may wish to consider how to address that and ways to make things more exciting. Remember, nothing is wrong if you don't enjoy it too much.

(Ted's fake ID has the name Bob Ross on it...)

Cashier: You're Bob Ross!

Ted: Uh, yes. Yes, I am.

Cashier: Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours.

Ted: Oh, uh, well, thanks.

Cashier: I love your whole artistic philosophy. The way you assign a motion to every tree and cloud.

Ted: Yeah, well, great. Um, listen, we're going to head to the adult section and find ourselves a happy, little bush.

Ted: Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once.

John Bennett: I'm basically an adult already, OK? I just want to watch an adult movie.

Blaire Bennett: All right, fine.

John Bennett: What?

Ted: What?

Blaire Bennett: I don't have time to stand here all day and argue. OK, just go wait in the car.

Ted: Holy sh*t. F**king awesome! Wow, Thank you so much! Blaire, this is f**king awesome! Thank you so much!

John Bennett: Oh, my God, Blaire! You're f**king amazing, Blaire! Thank you so much! Oh, you're the f**king best!

Ted: Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you, that's probably what we're going to like.

Blaire Bennett: I got plans tonight.

Ted: Oh, yeah? What-what do you got going on?

Blaire Bennett: Just stuff.

Ted: Like college stuff?

Blaire Bennett: Yes.

Ted: Toga party?

Blaire Bennett: No.

Ted: F**king rush week?

Blaire Bennett: No.

Ted: F**king around with the new pledges, but then Diane goes a little too far and something horrible happens but then you all kind of work together to cover it up and then the next day, you just go to class like nothing happened but now you're all bonded for life by, like, a horrible secret, and it seems like it's all going to be OK but then Rachel seems a little shaky and you wonder if she's going to be a problem?

Blaire Bennett: What the f**k are you talking about?

Ted: I'm just making conversation.

(Talking about Jurassic Park...)

Ted: My only criticism of the movie... who has open cups of water in the car?

John Bennett: Oh yeah, that was weird.

Ted: Yeah, it's like, you want a lid for that water? Nah, that's OK. I'm just riding in the jungle.

John Bennett: Jurassic Park. It's, like, the greatest movie I've ever f**king seen, like, ever.

Ted: Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs.

Blaire Bennett: Uh, yeah, I don't think so.

Ted: No, he did.

John Bennett: No, he did. He totally did. There's no other explanation.

Blaire Bennett: I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs.

Ted: Well, that's-that's a ignorant thing to say, Blaire, when you didn't see the movie.

John Bennett: Yeah, no, he made "ET" and he made "Jaws" and this was his reward. He got real dinosaurs to play with. It all adds up.

Matty Bennett: Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan. That's one of those stereotypes.

Blaire Bennett: Wow. Even when you're technically on the right side, you still find a way to ruin it.

Matty Bennett: What? I just said they're not all smart. Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money.

Blaire Bennett: That is beyond f**king offensive.

Matty Bennett: Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews.

Blaire Bennett: How can you watch that sh*t? It's just car chases and blowing stuff up.

John Bennett: Why did you just say two good things as if they're two bad things?

Blaire Bennett: Get rid of that weed or so help me God, you are going in the f**king dryer.

Ted: Oh, big deal. I've been in dryers.

Blaire Bennett: I'll put you in a Matty load.

Ted: OK, f**k. I'll do it. I'll do it.

(Eating Oreos while high...)

Ted: These are so good.

John Bennett: So good.

Ted: And look at the intricate carvings.

John Bennett: Yeah. Yeah, is this some Illuminati sh*t?

Ted: That's what I've heard. Like, if you can decipher what's on an Oreo, you can know the mind of God.

John Bennett: I heard no two Oreos are alike.

Ted: Hey. What a great conversation.

Ted: Maybe I could just tell Matty to go f**k himself.

John Bennett: No way, dude, my dad's a sad*st. He thought Vietnam was fun.

Ted: Jesus, really?

John Bennett: Yeah, he cried when the helicopters came to pick him up. You don't want to piss him off, man. He'll kick you out of the house. You'll starve.

Blaire Bennett (to Matty): See, this is the kind of sh*t that wouldn't happen if he was in school. (talking about broken TV and prostitutes)

Ted: Wait, what?

Matty Bennett: You're going to school.

Ted: Wait, hang on. That is a serious overreaction.

Matty Bennett: You're going to school, and you're going to grow a f**king brain!

Ted: Oh, come on!

Beef (prostitute): I think brains are sexy.

Character	Played by
Blaire Bennett	Giorgia Whigham
John Bennett	Max Burkholder
Ted	Seth MacFarlane

Title:	Ted (2024)
Format:	TV Series
Genres:	Comedy, Family
Produced by:	Peacock (Universal Content Productions)
Release Date:	January 11, 2024

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