Michael Scott: Do I have a special someone? Uh, well, yeah, of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick up at a barand these people, I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an every day stand. And I still know their names in the morning.
Michael Scott: I live by one rule. No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate. No. But... I live by another rule. Just do it. Nike.
Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Michael Scott: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight Schrute: Sex.
Michael Scott: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing.
Dwight Schrute: Torture.
Michael Scott: Do I, uh, do I get to pick the prize?
Jan Levinson: Uh... yes. Yes, you can.
Michael Scott: Um, question: Does "top salesman" include people who were at one time such outstanding salesmen that they've been promoted to...
Jan Levinson: No, Michael. No, you can't win this prize.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team captain?
Michael Scott: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team manager?
Michael Scott: No, I am the team manager! You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant team manager?
Michael Scott: No.
Michael Scott: Are we ready for the game?
Everyone (grumpily): Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumblin' all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just tryin' to be helpful.
Michael Scott: I'll help. I'm a dragon slayer. Uh, ten-point power sword. Voom! Voom!
Dwight Schrute: Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because... I bring my own water to work.
(Dwight moves the water cooler next to his desk)
Stanley Hudson: Why'd you do this?
Dwight Schrute: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance.
Michael Scott: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blech. I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "you're fired." "You're fired." "Uh, you're fired." He just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, "You're hired." And you can work here as long as you want."
(Dwight is making everyone write down what diseases they have, so he can pick an insurance according to it)
Jim Halpert (to Pam): Wait, what are you writing? Don't write "Ebola" or "mad cow disease". All right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both of them.
Dwight Schrute: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone, I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I dont believe in coddling people, in the wild there is no health care. In the wild health care is: Ow, I hurt my leg, I can't run, a lion eats me and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Michael Scott (to Oscar): Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?