Michael Scott: Do I have a special someone? Uh, well, yeah, of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick up at a barand these people, I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an every day stand. And I still know their names in the morning.
Michael Scott: I live by one rule. No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate. No. But... I live by another rule. Just do it. Nike.
Michael Scott: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight Schrute: Sex.
Michael Scott: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing.
Dwight Schrute: Torture.
Michael Scott: Do I, uh, do I get to pick the prize?
Jan Levinson: Uh... yes. Yes, you can.
Michael Scott: Um, question: Does "top salesman" include people who were at one time such outstanding salesmen that they've been promoted to...
Jan Levinson: No, Michael. No, you can't win this prize.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team captain?
Michael Scott: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team manager?
Michael Scott: No, I am the team manager! You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant team manager?
Michael Scott: No.
Michael Scott: Are we ready for the game?
Everyone (grumpily): Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumblin' all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just tryin' to be helpful.
Michael Scott: I'll help. I'm a dragon slayer. Uh, ten-point power sword. Voom! Voom!
Michael Scott: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blech. I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "you're fired." "You're fired." "Uh, you're fired." He just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, "You're hired." And you can work here as long as you want."
Michael Scott (to Oscar): Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Michael Scott: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness... open-mindedness, that even a word? um, into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a HERO. Signed... Daffy Duck." He's gonna lose it when he reads that.
Michael Scott: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17 %. Or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. Came to me and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Wow... Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
Michael Scott: Hold on, hold on. Judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight Schrute: He put my stuff in Jell-O again! This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!