Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Michael Scott: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight Schrute: Sex.
Michael Scott: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing.
Dwight Schrute: Torture.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team captain?
Michael Scott: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team manager?
Michael Scott: No, I am the team manager! You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant team manager?
Michael Scott: No.
Michael Scott: Are we ready for the game?
Everyone (grumpily): Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumblin' all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just tryin' to be helpful.
Michael Scott: I'll help. I'm a dragon slayer. Uh, ten-point power sword. Voom! Voom!
Dwight Schrute: Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because... I bring my own water to work.
(Dwight moves the water cooler next to his desk)
Stanley Hudson: Why'd you do this?
Dwight Schrute: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance.
Dwight Schrute: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone, I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I dont believe in coddling people, in the wild there is no health care. In the wild health care is: Ow, I hurt my leg, I can't run, a lion eats me and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Mr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are Honesty, Empathy, Respect and Open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.
Mr. Brown: OK.
Dwight Schrute: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster hat must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.
Dwight Schrute: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim Halpert: That is not the expression.
Dwight Schrute: Well, it should be.
Michael Scott: Hold on, hold on. Judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight Schrute: He put my stuff in Jell-O again! This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim Halpert: It's not on your desk.
Dwight Schrute: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables: demarcation.
(Jim builds a pencil defense wall around the line where their tables touch)
Dwight Schrute: You can't do that.
Jim Halpert: Why not?
Dwight Schrute: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce... an organ.
Jim Halpert: We'll see.