Shameless Quotes

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(Mickey is looking for Ian in a club...)

Manager: You think you're the first one to come in here boo-hooing about some cocktail sl*t who jacked you off in the bathroom, told you it was true love, and then disappeared? Trust me. You're not. So why don't you buy yourself a drink and fall in love with somebody else?

Mickey Milkovich: You calling me gay?

Manager: Oh. Please, honey. You make Justin Bieber look straight.

Mickey Milkovich: Aah! Oh! Ah!

(Lip is going to his dorm with little Liam...)

Liam Gallagher: Dorm.

Lip Gallagher: Yeah, and what's in a dorm?

Liam Gallagher: Hipsters.

Lip Gallagher: Hipsters. Very good.

Mickey Milkovich: Hey, what the f**k? Can I take a sh*t in private, please?

Mandy Milkovich: Douche bag, go find your boyfriend.

Mickey Milkovich: Get the f**k out! Close the door.

Mandy Milkovich: I looked for him all day yesterday and he's not answering my texts.

Mickey Milkovich: What the f**k are you talking about?

Mandy Milkovich: Don't play dumb with me. Ian! You know, you're the reason that he left. So go find him. I gotta go to work.

Mickey Milkovich: Not my f**king problem.

Mandy Milkovich: You know what? Nothing's ever your problem. For once, you know, make something your problem.

Kevin Ball: What if we advertise? Put an ad in Craigslist, one of those local business things?

Mickey Milkovich: Yeah, we can get some meth heads to hand out flyers and sh*t.

Veronica Fisher: And pay them how?

Mickey Milkovich: We don't. We just tell them we'll pay them. If they complain about it, we'll beat the sh*t out of them.

Mickey Milkovich (to Svetlana): We learned a valuable lesson, anyone can jerk a c*ck. I jerk mine, he jerks his. Learn a unique skill or shut the f**k up. (Svetlana starts speaking russian angrily) No one knows what the f**k you're saying.

Kevin Ball: I'm gonna put this sign outside so people know to come in the back.

(Holds up the sign, so V can see it, it says "C*m this way")

Veronica Fisher: You realize that's not how you spell "come," right?

(Kevin looks at the sign all confused)

Lip Gallagher: Hey, you guys heard anything from Ian?

Debbie Gallagher: Not for weeks. And Fiona doesn't even care.

Lip Gallagher: What about the U.S. Army? You hear anything from them?

(Flashback from not too long ago...)

Sergeant Benz: We're looking for Phillip Gallagher.

Carl Gallagher: He's at college. (slams the door)

(Back a present time...)

Carl Gallagher: No.

Lip Gallagher: What did he try and steal?

Sergeant Kelly: Helicopter. Surface-to-air missile. Army-issue boxer brief-

Sergeant Benz: Sergeant. (makes Kelly shut up) Mr. Gallagher, we may need you to testify. We'll be in touch.

Lip Gallagher: Well, at ease, gentlemen. I've always wanted to say that.

Fiona Gallagher (to Robbie): You call me when I'm with Mike. Text me when I'm with Mike. How about we just cut out the middleman, which is me, and you can f**k your brother?

Lip Gallagher: Um... thanks for the beers, Kev.

Kevin Ball: Yeah, you're welcome.

Lip Gallagher: GFY.

Kevin Ball: Yeah, TGIF.

(Another one of Mickey's wh*res is complaining in russian...)

Mickey Milkovich: I don't know what the f**k you're saying! Oh, my God! I don't know what that means. (to everyone): Look, don't worry! We'll get a dick in you as soon as we can.

(All Mickey's wh*res are complaining in russian...)

Svetlana Yevgenivna: They say you are stupid, f**king idiot!

Mickey Milkovich: Well, what did you say back?

Svetlana Yevgenivna: That you also have small dick.

(In the bar, out of nowhere, Mickey speaks up...)

Mickey Milkovich: I like f**king carrot-tops, like, with the freckles and the pale skin and f**king alien-looking.

(V and Kev find out they're having triplets...)

Veronica Fisher: I'm having a damn litter!

Kevin Ball: Baby, you know what this means? I got a magic dick. I don't know whether to freak out, or thrust my almighty dick in everyone's face!

Veronica Fisher: You need to be freaking out. I'm having triplets!

Kevin Ball: Triplets! Triplets! (goes out to the hallway and tells everyone who walks by...): I got a magic p*nis, man. I got a magic p*nis!

Veronica Fisher: Would you shut the f**k up!?

Kevin Ball: I got a magic p*nis.

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