100+ Best 'The Umbrella Academy' Quotes from the Netflix Series

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 3x02 | Number Five (about Lila): Technically, she's family. Klaus Hargreeves: She was trying to murder us, like, yesterday. Number Five: Yeah, like I said, "family."

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 3x01 | Number Five: Technically, if you're near your doppel for long, you'll go insane. So, if you see your other self... Diego Hargreeves: Kill them. Klaus Hargreeves: Sleep with them. Number Five: Avoid them. Luther Hargreeves: What the hell is wrong with you? Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, come on. As if you wouldn't climb Luther Mountain.

Vanya Hargreeves (to Marcus): Your team is good. Better than mine, maybe. But I don't think you're better than me, Marcus. I ended the world twice. And you? You're just meat in spandex. And I bet you don't want the whole world watching when I prove that to you.

Diego Hargreeves: Where's the bathroom?

Klaus Hargreeves: Down the hall, or... (opens the window) Nature's bathroom.

Diego Hargreeves: You're disgusting.

Klaus Hargreeves: But consistent.

Marcus Hargreeves: You spent time with these people. What's your assessment?

Reginald Hargreeves: Unimpressive. Neanderthals on a day pass. Cried too much and showered too little.

Luther Hargreeves (about the Sparrows): Man, I hate those guys. Look at 'em with their... stupid smug...

Klaus Hargreeves: You can do it. You can do it.

Luther Hargreeves: S... s... smug... Smugness.

Klaus Hargreeves: Keep working on it, big guy. You'll land one, eventually.

Klaus Hargreeves: Why is everyone staring at us?

Diego Hargreeves: Because we look like the damn Village People just lost a fight.

Vanya Hargreeves (to everyone): Thank God you're alive.

Klaus Hargreeves: Apparently, so is Ben.

Allison Hargreeves: Yeah. And he's a complete d*ckhead.

Diego Hargreeves: They're all d*ckheads.

Luther Hargreeves: D*ckheads who can fight.

Number Five: Okay, next person to say "d*ckhead" is getting a punch to the throat.

Allison Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Luther Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Klaus Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Diego Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 3x01 | Allison Hargreeves: You all right? Luther Hargreeves: I don't know yet. I've just never had my a$$ handed to me like that before. It's like... Here you go. It's your a$$. Allison Hargreeves: Okay, I think Luther's concussed.

Diego Hargreeves: Klaus! We gotta go, man. Now. These guys are too good. For you guys. I'm loving it. But you're probably gonna die. Come on.

Diego Hargreeves: Come at me, litter box!

(Christopher says something)

Diego Hargreeves: Hey! Listen, I have amazing hair, all right? This was era-appropriate!

Reginald Hargreeves: They call themselves the Umbrella Academy, a group of scheming, perfidious malcontents who accosted me in the fall of 1963 when I was away on business in Dallas. Be warned, they claim to be my spawn.

Allison Hargreeves: Claim? Look, Five, what the hell is going on?

Number Five: I don't know yet, but it's concerning.

Marcus Hargreeves: Is he telling the truth?

Vanya Hargreeves: Not the part about us being perfidious.

Klaus Hargreeves: No, we're amateur-fidious, at best.

Reginald Hargreeves: How much do you want for it? Surely you don't want to keep it. (In Korean): How much do you want for him?

Baby's grandma: You lay one finger on my grandson, I slice you in half!

Reginald Hargreeves: Excellent! I like a spirited negotiator.

(Herb and Dot appear in a field full of dead commissioners...)

Herb: Yowza.

Dot: I should've brought my parka.

Herb: Yeah. Oh, wow. (Herb is stepping over the dead) Excuse me, pardon me.

Dot: Ooh...

Herb: Watch your step.

Vanya Hargreeves: I don't deserve to live. I killed Pogo. I almost killed Allison. I destroyed the world. I'm a monster.

Ben Hargreeves: Dad treated you like a bomb before you ever were one. He was... so scared of your power, he never let you use it. Drugged you up, kept you numb for years. That's messed up, Vanya. No wonder you couldn't control it. Dad couldn't handle your anger. That doesn't mean you can't. And maybe you have a right to be pissed off and sad and messed up, but... it's a sh*tty world full of sh*tty people sometimes. You aren't a monster. You're my sister. And right now, our siblings are risking everything out there trying to save you. You aren't alone at the table anymore, Vanya. You can do this.

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