The Umbrella Academy Quotes

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Number Five: Hate to say I told you so, but...

Viktor Hargreeves: You love to say I told you so.

Viktor Hargreeves: Where have you been?

Number Five: Facing my mortality, Viktor. I don't recommend it.

(Five and Lila find the founder of the Commission...)

Number Five: It's me.

Lila Pitts (laughing): No way. This whole time you've been complaining about the Commission, and you're the one who founded it. Classic.

Diego Hargreeves: You remember that vigilante sh*t I used to do?

Allison Hargreeves: Yeah. Bargain Batman.

Diego Hargreeves: Smart a**. You know, you guys all laugh, but that sh*t helped me, man. Kicking a**holes in their a**holes is like therapy, but for cool people.

Allison Hargreeves: How do we know we can trust Gravity Barbie?

Luther Hargreeves: I trust her.

Diego Hargreeves: Yeah, you trusted emails from a Nigerian prince.

Luther Hargreeves: Tunde was not a prince, he was a king, and he was unjustly deposed.

(Klaus walks in the hotel where the Sparrows lie dead on the floor...)

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh man. Heavens to Betsy. What did you do? Did Viktor go full "Carrie" again?

Number Five: I'm glad my pain amuses you.

Lila Pitts: You have no idea. It's like my therapy.

Lila Pitts: What does that mean exactly? End of the world?

Number Five: Oh, it's much worse than that. It means you and I... are gonna have to work together.

Lila Pitts: Sh*t.

Klaus Hargreeves: You think Dad is capable of killing innocent people?

(Allison laughs)

Viktor Hargreeves: Absolutely.

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, it's Murder City, buddy.

Narration: Murdering his grandfather in 1905 meant that Elmer's mother didn't exist to meet his father in 1925. Which made certain that Elmer himself was never born. Elmer killed his grandfather, so his mother was never born. But if his mother was never born, Elmer no longer exists. But if Elmer no longer exists, how could he possibly kill his grandfather? And around and around we go. Elmer has created a paradox, the grandfather paradox. The most pernicious problem in The Commission Handbook of Paradox Protocols. This story is not true. But if it were, Elmer would have placed time, space, and every living thing in grave peril. Don't be an Elmer! We've been lucky so far. With your help, constant vigilance, and a little strategic violence, the Commission will make certain nothing like this ever happens. Or God help us all.

Number Five: Can you really call what we had a family?

Klaus Hargreeves: No. It's more like a...

Number Five: Institute for Snarky Delinquents. And not a good one at that.

Viktor Hargreeves: Being with Sissy... I don't know. She opened something in me. Showed me I'd never be free hiding from who I really am. And after losing her, I realized I just can't live in that box anymore. I won't. You know, I always hated mirrors. I thought everybody felt so strange in their skin. I guess that's not true, right?

Allison Hargreeves: What do you see now?

Viktor Hargreeves: Me. Just me.

Number Five: News flash, geniuses! It's not about us! Take a look around. If you hadn't noticed, there's no doomsday. There's no apocalypse. The sun is shining. Birds are doing whatever the hell birds do. That's all that matters. We're done messing with time. And I'm officially retired.

Viktor Hargreeves: So I, uh, talked to Marcus last night.

Diego Hargreeves: Wait, what? You talked with the enemy? By yourself?

Viktor Hargreeves: Somebody had to do something.

Diego Hargreeves: Who elected you, Vanya?

Viktor Hargreeves: It's, uh, Viktor.

Diego Hargreeves: Who's Viktor?

Viktor Hargreeves: I am. It's who I've always been. Uh, is that an issue for anyone?

Diego Hargreeves: Nah, I'm good with it.

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, me too. Cool.

Number Five: Truly happy for you, Viktor. But last time I checked, you don't speak for this family.

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