Leonard Hofstadter (to Tam): Why did you and Sheldon stop being friends? What did you do?
Rajesh Koothrappali: And don't worry, even though we just met you, we think you're right and he's wrong.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj is on next.
Penny Hofstadter: All right. I can't believe they canceled Vampire Diaries but they'll show this.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is the news.
Penny Hofstadter: And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires. What is your point?
Howard Wolowitz: That was weird, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Was it? I-I honestly can't tell anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. That's Mark Ha-Ha-Ha... It's-it's Mark Hami-Ha-Ha...
Leonard Hofstadter: Yep. Thank Wolowitz. He set it up.
Mark Hammil: Congratulations on your wedding.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you. When this is over, I have 4,000 things for you to sign.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I-I thought Wil was marrying us.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz got us an upgrade.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Another sci-fi guy with a beard. Seems lateral, but okay.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you having an allergic reaction to my boutonniere?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I'm just so happy for you. And for me. After today, you are officially... and, more important, legally... Amy's problem.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly, Leonard. I will always be your problem.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think it's more like, uh, like Lord of the Rings, and you're the Fellowship. Uh, someone's got to go to Gondor, someone's got to go to Mordor, someone's got to hold off the demon of shadow and flame.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean the Balrog?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I mean my mother.
Sheldon Cooper: That is a perfect metaphor, Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Because it also involves a ring that binds me in servitude forever.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Aw, he said forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you need to apologize to your brother.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. Like that, but nicer, and that way.
Sheldon Cooper: I have nothing to apologize for.
George Cooper: I told you this was a bad idea. Sometimes you can't patch a tire. You just got to buy a new one. Actually, that's always the case. Never patch, buy new.
Leonard Hofstadter: What-what are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: The light is red so I came to a stop.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're in a stolen cop car with a dead hooker in the trunk. You don't have to obey traffic laws.
Sheldon Cooper: I know I don't have to. The fun is choosing to.
(Leonard gets a text)
Penny Hofstadter: Who is that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Penny Hofstadter: Who is he mad at?
Leonard Hofstadter: Neil Gaiman.
Penny Hofstadter: Who's that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not us.
Penny Hofstadter: Great.
Robert Wolcott: Well, let me show you around. This is the chair where I do most of my thinking, my thinking about work. Now, my thinking about people who have WRONGED me, I do over there.
Sheldon Cooper: I've always said that I should get a grudge chair. Leonard, have I not always said that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, you have... but you were worried you'd spend too much time in it.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. That was a real concern.
Sheldon Cooper: I suppose it is time I passed this on to Leonard.
Penny Hofstadter: Thank you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, thanks. I-I know that's hard for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, it was. But you know what? Instead of being in charge, I can now be the vocal opposition, criticizing and badgering the president at every turn.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think you'll be really good at that.
Sheldon Cooper: Me, too.
Leonard Hofstadter: I think I've made a huge mistake.
Penny Hofstadter: Me, too.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, it's the American way, the peaceful transfer of power.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Think about Ant-Man.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm always thinking about Ant-Man.
Leonard Hofstadter: Michael Douglas had the suit and then he passed it on to Paul Rudd.
Sheldon Cooper: Maybe you're right.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Really? The Ant-Man thing? That's what won you over?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. He got the details right. That's how you use a superhero.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm running for president of the tenants association and I could really use your vote.
Tenant: Uh, who's president now?
Penny Hofstadter: Uh, Sheldon Cooper. You know, about yay tall and about yay annoying.
Tenant: So you want me to vote against Sheldon Cooper?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. You just need to show up at a meeting...
Tenant: Oh, no, no. No can do. He's got a restraining order against me.
Penny Hofstadter: Really? Why?
Tenant: Uh, I locked him on the roof once. (whispers): Three times.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you're gonna spend a day with Bill Gates. I'm a little jealous.
Penny Hofstadter: Well, I'm a little nervous. You know, if I do a good job, I'm hoping they'll consider me for a PR position that's opening up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, if you're nervous, I-I know a lot about him. I can fill you in or maybe come along, whatever.
Penny Hofstadter: I think I'll be okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm-I'm just saying, what are you gonna do when he wants to talk about high-level language interpreters for microcomputers?
Penny Hofstadter: What are high-level language interpreters for microcomputers?
Leonard Hofstadter: A way of programming computers using words and commands instead of binary code.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh. That's actually kind of interesting. Tell me more.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, well...
Penny Hofstadter: That, I'll do that.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't even see it coming.
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, well... You never do.