Amy Farrah Fowler: You guys will never believe what just happened.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, we heard. You did it.
Sheldon Cooper: We did do it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And we didn't even know we did it!
Howard Wolowitz: Wait, what?
Sheldon Cooper: Two physicists in Chicago had to tell us.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait, what?
Sheldon Cooper: Their experiment on kaon decay supported our predictions on the higher order corrections pertaining to super-asymmetry.
Penny Hofstadter: Wait, what?
Sheldon Cooper: Although, Amy and I did give the world a gift. It would be nice to read some of the thank-you notes.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.
Leonard Hofstadter: I have something that might help. It's-it's a recording of the only person whose opinion Sheldon actually respects.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hawking? Feynman?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, himself. It's a pep talk he made when he was a kid. He gave it to me years ago and told me to save it for a real emergency.
Penny Hofstadter: What? You didn't break it out when he declared his room a sovereign nation and waged a trade war against us?
Leonard Hofstadter: His major export is talking. I didn't want that anyway.
Leonard Hofstadter: The europium laser is so cool. It has a four-level f-f transition which provides for high power output, and its quantum efficiency is off the charts.
Sheldon Cooper: What are you going to use it for?
Leonard Hofstadter: I have no idea.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, I've narrowed it down to three worthwhile projects, but I only have the money to fund one of them. Lucky for you, I have a solution.
President Siebert: I can't wait.
Leonard Hofstadter: You free up more money and I fund all of them.
President Siebert: Mm, no.
Leonard Hofstadter: Or... hear me out... yes. That way, e-everybody's happy.
President Siebert: You can't make everybody happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: I think I can.
President Siebert: You can't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, actually...
President Siebert: You're making me unhappy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, what would you do?
President Siebert: I'd find some sap and put him in charge so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's a really good ide... Oh.
Leonard Hofstadter (to Tam): Why did you and Sheldon stop being friends? What did you do?
Rajesh Koothrappali: And don't worry, even though we just met you, we think you're right and he's wrong.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj is on next.
Penny Hofstadter: All right. I can't believe they canceled Vampire Diaries but they'll show this.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is the news.
Penny Hofstadter: And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires. What is your point?
Howard Wolowitz: That was weird, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Was it? I-I honestly can't tell anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. That's Mark Ha-Ha-Ha... It's-it's Mark Hami-Ha-Ha...
Leonard Hofstadter: Yep. Thank Wolowitz. He set it up.
Mark Hammil: Congratulations on your wedding.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you. When this is over, I have 4,000 things for you to sign.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I-I thought Wil was marrying us.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz got us an upgrade.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Another sci-fi guy with a beard. Seems lateral, but okay.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you having an allergic reaction to my boutonniere?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I'm just so happy for you. And for me. After today, you are officially... and, more important, legally... Amy's problem.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly, Leonard. I will always be your problem.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think it's more like, uh, like Lord of the Rings, and you're the Fellowship. Uh, someone's got to go to Gondor, someone's got to go to Mordor, someone's got to hold off the demon of shadow and flame.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean the Balrog?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I mean my mother.
Sheldon Cooper: That is a perfect metaphor, Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Because it also involves a ring that binds me in servitude forever.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Aw, he said forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you need to apologize to your brother.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. Like that, but nicer, and that way.
Sheldon Cooper: I have nothing to apologize for.
George Cooper: I told you this was a bad idea. Sometimes you can't patch a tire. You just got to buy a new one. Actually, that's always the case. Never patch, buy new.