Phoebe Buffay: I have 12 new songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.
Chandler Bing: You might wanna open with the snowman.
(Later Phoebe's performance begins...)
Phoebe Buffay: I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year...
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitching
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's freezing
I feel a little sneezy...
Ross Geller: Come on. Seriously, Joey, what's the part?
(Joey mumbles something)
Rachel Green: You're.... What?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm his butt double, okay? I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then... I'm his butt.
Monica Geller: Oh, my God!
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, you guys. It's a real movie and Al Pacino's in it, that's big!
Chandler Bing: It's terrific. You deserve this. After years of struggling you've cracked your way into show business.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
Chandler Bing: Thank God, you didn't try to fan out the magazines. She'll scratch your eyes right out.
Monica Geller: You guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember, I lived with you? You were a little... you know...
Monica Geller: That is so unfair!
Ross Geller: Oh, come on! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy.
Chandler Bing: How would your husband feel about you sitting here with me... sliding your foot so far up my leg you can count the change in my pocket?
Woman: Don't worry. He'd be okay with you because he's okay with Ethan.
Chandler Bing: Ethan? There's an Ethan?
Woman: Ethan is my boyfriend.
Chandler Bing: What kind of relationship do you imagine us having... if you have a husband and a boyfriend?
Woman: I suppose, mainly sexual.
Monica Geller: Sorry it didn't work out.
Chandler Bing: What, not work out? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?
(Ross is showing the group video from ultrasound...)
Ross Geller: Well, isn't that amazing?
Joey Tribbiani: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
Phoebe Buffay: You know, if you tilt your head to the left and relax your eyes... it kind of looks like an old potato.
Ross Geller: Then don't do that, all right?
Rachel Green: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica Geller: Absolutely.
Chandler Bing: I think for us, kissing's an opening act like the standup comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross Geller: Yeah. And it's not that we don't like the comedian. It's just that that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler Bing: See, the problem is though after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. We're in the car, fighting traffic, basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well... Word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you'll find yourself sitting at home listening to that album alone.
Joey Tribbiani (to Ross): Are we still talking about sex?
Chandler Bing: So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out? If they can't find a home for her, they kill her! I'm not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, good, good, good, because I was kind of having second thoughts too.
Chandler Bing: Okay, and it's not just chicks. It's all kinds of other animals.
Joey Tribbiani: That's horrible. You did the right thing, man.
Chandler Bing: Thanks. I'm glad you see it that way.
(The Duck appears)
Joey Tribbiani: I need to relax, okay? I was working all day.
Chandler Bing: And you don't think taking care of our chick is work?
Joey Tribbiani: That's not what I said. Ok, I just meant...
Chandler Bing: I know what you meant! Have you noticed that ever since we got this chick... we've been fighting a lot more than we used to?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Maybe we weren't ready to have a chick.