Monica Geller: There's some creep out there with a telescope.
Ross Geller: I can't believe it. He's looking right at us.
Rachel Green: Oh, that is so sick.
Chandler Bing: I feel violated. And not in a good way.
Phoebe Buffay: How can people do that? You guys, look. Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots.
Chandler Bing (on the phone with his boss): Hey, Mr. Costilick. How's life on the 15th floor? Yeah, I miss you too. It's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home. That's very generous. But this isn't about the money. I need something more than a job. I need something I really care ab... That's on top of the year-end bonus?
Ross and Joey: Dream! Your dream!
Chandler Bing: Look, Al, I'm not playing hardball here, okay? This is not a negotiation. This is a rejection! Stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! I'll see you Monday!
Chandler Bing: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Chandler Bing: In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
Joey Tribbiani: We might be leaving now.
Chandler Bing: Tell me it's you and me "we."
Joey Tribbiani: She wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is! But I definitely want to be a part of it!
Joey Tribbiani: It's just... you know, they're parents. After a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better... You gotta let them make their own mistakes.
Rachel Green: And think, in a couple of years, we'll turn into them.
Chandler Bing: Oh, please. If I turn into my parents, I'll be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys... or I'll end up like my mom!
Ronni: Most people, when their pets pass on... want them like they're sleeping. Occasionally you get a person who wants them in a pose. Like chasing their tail. Or jumping to catch a Frisbee.
Chandler Bing: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.
Ross Geller: We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies you have to show her your pee-pee.
Chandler Bing: You know, I don't see that happening.
Rachel Green: Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm not showing you my tat!
Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny. I wouldn't wanna be there when the laughter stops.
Chandler Bing: Whoa, back up there, sparky. What did you mean by that?
Roger: Just seems that maybe you have intimacy issues... that you use your humor to keep people at a distance. I mean, I just met you. I don't know you from Adam. Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
Chandler Bing: How did you know that?
Roger: It's textbook.
Ross Geller: It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: So how does this work? You're gonna balance plates on these little guys' heads?
Joey Tribbiani: Who cares? We'll eat at the sink.
Joey Tribbiani: Here, how about that one?
Chandler Bing: That's patio furniture.
Joey Tribbiani: So what? Like people will come in and think, "Oh oh, I'm outside again."
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Chandler. That table place closes at 7. Come on.
Chandler Bing: Fine.
(They start to walk towards the door...)
Monica Geller: Phoebe? What is it?
Phoebe Buffay: All right. You know Paolo?
Ross Geller: I'm familiar with his work. Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: He made a move on me.
Joey Tribbiani: The store will be open tomorrow. (they come and sit down again)
Joey Tribbiani: How about if we split it?
Chandler Bing: What do you mean, buy it together?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Do you think we're ready for that?
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?
Chandler Bing: It's a pretty big commitment.
Phoebe Buffay: I have 12 new songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.
Chandler Bing: You might wanna open with the snowman.
(Later Phoebe's performance begins...)
Phoebe Buffay: I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year...
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitching
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's freezing
I feel a little sneezy...