George Cooper Sr.: You think Sheldon's right?
Mary Cooper: About what?
George Cooper Sr.: The punting and the math.
Mary Cooper: I should think so. He's been doing our taxes since he's six years old. We never been audited.
George Cooper Sr.: That's true.
Mary Cooper: He even got us that nice refund last year.
Sheldon Cooper: Statistically, always punting on fourth down makes no sense.
George Cooper Jr.: Statistically, you're a dumb-ass.
Sheldon Cooper: When the Aggies give up the ball on their own fiveyard line, the opposing team has a 92% chance of scoring. When they punt from deep in their own territory, the other team still has a 77% chance of scoring. But since they convert on fourth down 50% of the time, the math says they should never punt again.
Meemaw (to Mary): Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?
Sheldon Cooper (to Tam): What I find interesting is how many supervillains are scientists. Doctor Octopus, Doctor Doom, Lex Luthor, Green Goblin, the list goes on and on. So if the world doesn't respect me, I might change sides.
Sheldon Cooper (narrative): I didn't have to read many comic books to understand that every superhero had a weakness, something they had to overcome through an extraordinary act of courage. For Cyclops, it was the loss of Jean Grey. For Rogue, it was human touch. For me, it was food that required chewing. So if I truly was a mutant, I would have to do the same. On this day, I would not be defeated. Because this was the day I became... The Chewer. Just like that, I overcame my fear of choking. All that was left was my fear of dogs, birds, insects, germs, hugging, button fly pants, rivers, ponds, lakes, oceans, estuaries, corduroy, root vegetables, squeaky balloons, tinted windows, take a penny, leave a penny, fireworks, potbelly stoves, dust bunnies, that fuzz on peaches.
George Cooper Sr. (to Mary): Sheldon's fine. You know what he's like. If someone took him, I'm sure they'll bring him right back.
Sheldon Cooper (narrative): As fate would have it, the comic I picked up was called X-Men. Young mutants with incredible powers who were feared and misunderstood by the entire world.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey, it's about me.
Sheldon Cooper: You said he didn't create the sun until day four.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: So how could there be light the first three days?
Pastor Jeff: God is light.
Sheldon Cooper: So God's a photon?
Pastor Jeff: God's what made photons possible.
Sheldon Cooper: And what day did he do that?
Pastor Jeff: I would think day one.
Sheldon Cooper: How could you count the days...?
George Cooper Sr. (whispering to Mary): If I grab my chest and keel over, maybe we can get out of here.
Mary Cooper: That's a terrible thing to say.
Pastor Jeff: ...because the first day had just begun.
Sheldon Cooper: So, before the Big Bang?
Pastor Jeff: There was no Big Bang. There was only the Word.
Sheldon Cooper: Was the word "kaboom"?
Sheldon Cooper (narrative): Despite what it looks like, I didn't pray to God that night. I prayed to Blaise Pascal. My thinking was, if he was right about the existence of God, then he could pass along my request for my dad to get better.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no. We're going to jail.
Missy Cooper: Georgie's going to jail. I'm saying I was kidnapped.
Meemaw: Your Pop-Pop used to have little chest pains all the time.
Sheldon Cooper: Didn't he die of a heart attack?
Meemaw: Well, for insurance purposes, yes.
Mary Cooper: You want me to cook those eggs for you, baby?
Missy Cooper: No. They're a gift.
Mary Cooper: Sorry.
Missy Cooper: He even wrote me a note. "Eggs from your secret admirer, Billy."
Meemaw: I want to teach you somethin'. Look at your cards, and then look in the mirror.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey, I'm smiling.
Meemaw: Uh-huh. And what does that tell me about your cards?
Sheldon Cooper: That I like them?
Meemaw: Attaboy. Now... look at my face. Tell me what you see.
Sheldon Cooper: That you're old.
Meemaw: It's a good thing I love you.