100+ Best 'The Umbrella Academy' Quotes from the Netflix Series

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 1x10 | Kenny's mother (to Five): Excuse me! Excuse me, it's my son Kenny's birthday today, and... Uh... wouldn't your son be happier playing with kids his own age? Assuming it's okay with your two dads. (meaning Diego and Klaus) Number Five: I would rather chew off my own foot. Kenny's mother: Let's go, Kenny. Diego Hargreeves: If I was going to date a man, you'd be the last man I would date. Klaus Hargreeves: You'd be lucky to get me.

(Five returns Delores to the display at the store...)

Number Five (to Delores): I bet it feels good to be back... amongst your friends. And it's okay, you can... say it. We always were an unlikely pair. This isn't easy for me, Delores, and I... I want you to know that I cherish every single minute I ever shared with you, all 23 and a half million of them. A lifetime. Now look at us. We're lucky enough, we get a second one. Yeah. You are right. I do have a lot of growing up to do. I'll never forget you, Delores.

(On his way out of the store...)

Number Five: Excuse me, miss?

Shop assistant: Yeah?

Number Five: Could you give that mannequin something new to wear? She likes sequins.

Hazel: Think about it like this. If you never time traveled, you never got caught up with the Handler, what would have happened?

Number Five: I guess I would have grown up to be an emotionally stunted man-child like everybody else around here.

Hazel: Well, there you go. Now you can grow up. Good luck.

Ben Hargreeves: You know, I'm tired of seeing you wallow in self-defeat.

Klaus Hargreeves: Well, then avert your gaze.

Ben Hargreeves: You're better than that. And Dave? He knew it, too.

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, you're right. You're right. I'm... I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ben Hargreeves: Thank God.

Klaus Hargreeves: Psych! (puts the drugs in his mouth and laughs)

(Ben punches him and makes him spit it out in the process...)

Klaus Hargreeves: Ow! You just Patrick Swayzeed me. How did you do that?

Ben Hargreeves: Uh, I... I didn't. You did. I think.

Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): When we were four, Dad told us you were sick. You had to be isolated. We were so young. None of us knew to question it. But then he asked me to do something I never understood... until now.

(Flashback to little Allison and Vanya)

Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): I heard a rumor... you think you're just ordinary.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 1x08 | Number Five: Hey. Get up. We're going. Klaus Hargreeves: Where? Number Five: To save the world. Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, is that all? Great.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 1x07 | Cha-Cha (to Hazel): We have a great job. The best job. We get to visit exotic places, meet new people, and then kill 'em.

Klaus Hargreeves: You know, I suggest you get down off your high horse there, dear Papa. You never had our best interests at heart. Look at your precious Number One. Luther found all the unopened letters he'd sent you. He knows that you sent him up to the Moon for nothing.

Reginald Hargreeves: That was foolish of me. I should have burned it all.

Klaus Hargreeves: That's your takeaway? Oh, wow. Yeah, course it is.

Klaus Hargreeves: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Careful, Dad.

Reginald Hargreeves: Don't worry. You're already dead.

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh. Well, that's a relief.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 1x07 | (Diego jumps to a glass door to get into a house...) Allison Hargreeves: Subtle. Number Five: You know, the door was unlocked. Diego Hargreeves: Yeah, well, my way works just fine. Spread out. Yell if you, uh... you know, you're in trouble. Number Five: Ah, inspiring leadership. Allison Hargreeves: One of the greats.

Allison Hargreeves (to Diego): Be careful, okay? We don't know what Peabody's capable of.

Diego Hargreeves: Yeah, he didn't seem dangerous when I first saw him. Looked kinda scrawny.

Allison Hargreeves: Yeah, well, so are most serial killers and mass murderers. I mean, look at him. (gestures at Five)

Number Five: Thanks.

Diego Hargreeves: Good point.

Hazel (about a bird): Look at him. When he's hungry, he eats, when he's tired, he nests, when he's horny, he screws, free to be free. Pretty sure they got it figured out.

Cha-Cha: And what's that?

Hazel: A simple life with a partner. Sometimes what you want's right in front of you. By the time you realize it, it's too late.

Allison Hargreeves: Do you have any idea how insane this sounds?

Number Five: You know what else is insane? I look like a 13-year-old boy. Klaus talks to the dead, and Luther thinks he's fooling everybody with that overcoat. Everything about us is insane. It always has been.

Klaus Hargreeves: He's got a point there.

Number Five: We didn't choose this life, we're just living it. For the next three days, anyway.

Harold Jenkins: I was born on the same day as the Academy kids. I think I'm like them. I must be. I haven't quite figured out what my power is... yet. But maybe with your help, we can find out.

Reginald Hargreeves: You have no power. You never will have power. Now, go home.

Harold Jenkins: No, please. Just... I... You have to let me stay. I came all this way. Please don't make me go back.

Reginald Hargreeves: A little word of advice, my boy. Not everyone in this world can be powerful. Chasing something unattainable is a recipe for a lifetime of disappointment and resentment. So get off my property.

Number Five: So, the apocalypse is in three days. The only chance we have to save our world is, well, us.

Luther Hargreeves: The Umbrella Academy.

Number Five: Yeah, but with me, obviously. So if y'all don't get your sideshow acts together and get over yourselves, we're screwed. Who cares if Dad messed us up? Are we gonna let that define us?

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