100+ Best 'The Umbrella Academy' Quotes from the Netflix Series

Klaus Hargreeves: No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Diego Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: If you don't make it back, there's one thing that I need to tell you.

Diego Hargreeves: Klaus, I don't have time for this.

Klaus Hargreeves: Please.

Diego Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know.

Diego Hargreeves: Thanks, man.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x08 | Number Five: I don't trust him. Luther Hargreeves: But he's you. Number Five: Exactly.

Number Five: You're not supposed to exist in close proximity to yourself in the same timeline. The side effects can be disastrous.

Luther Hargreeves: Side effects? What sort of side effects?

Number Five: Well, according to Commission Handbook Chapter 27, subsection 3b, the seven stages in paradox psychosis are... stage one: denial, two: itching, three: extreme thirst and urination, four: excessive gas, five: acute paranoia, six: uncontrolled perspiration, and seven: homicidal rage.

Luther Hargreeves: We don't belong here. We have to go back.

Allison Hargreeves: I don't know if I can.

Luther Hargreeves: Allison... we're different than everyone else. We're special. And good or bad, that means we don't get to live normal lives. Here or anywhere.

Allison Hargreeves: It's not fair.

Luther Hargreeves: I know. But we have to risk everything to save everything. I mean, that's our best trait as a family, right?

Allison Hargreeves: What? Recklessness?

Luther Hargreeves: Hope.

Klaus Hargreeves (to Ben): No cutting of the hair. I love my look right now. Second, no touchy-touchy down there. Well... maybe I won't mind, you know, but just don't look, because I'm shy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, God, I hate this. Not being able to do anything.

Ben Hargreeves: Klaus, the way you feel right now is the way I feel every day. All I do is watch you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. Welcome to powerlessness.

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, my God. That must suck. I'm sorry.

Ben Hargreeves: You wanna make it up to me?

Klaus Hargreeves: No!

Ben Hargreeves: Come on, please!

Klaus Hargreeves: You cannot possess me.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x06 | Number Five: Allison can rumor anyone to do anything. Diego Hargreeves: Except she never uses it. Allison Hargreeves: I heard a rumor you punched yourself in the face. Diego Hargreeves: Aah! Damn it!

Diego Hargreeves: We go in there as a united front. No more "Number One," "Number Two" bullsh*t. From now on, it's... Team Zero.

Luther Hargreeves: "Team Zero"?

Diego Hargreeves: Team Zero. All the way.

Klaus Hargreeves: I mean, who in this room knows sh*t about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau.

Vanya Hargreeves: Her name's Sissy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.

Vanya Hargreeves: What!?

Klaus Hargreeves: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch...

Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): Later.

Klaus Hargreeves: For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.

Allison Hargreeves: Okay, again, we are not biological.

Klaus Hargreeves: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up.

Luther Hargreeves: Look, maybe trying to stop doomsday is exactly what starts it. Did you ever think of that?

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, so we do nothing? Since when are you a quitter?

Luther Hargreeves: Since the last time I destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance.

Diego Hargreeves: So this is about you never living up to the old man's expectations bullsh*t, huh?

Luther Hargreeves: Maybe. I don't know, I mean, we're all crazy where Dad's concerned.

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, I'm not. He's an a**hole. I'm awesome. That's very simple.

(Number Five is explaining the new end of the world came back with them...)

Number Five: We have until Monday. We have six days.

Klaus Hargreeves: Is it Vanya?

Allison Hargreeves: Klaus!

Klaus Hargreeves: What? It's usually Vanya.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x05 | Number Five: First off, I wanna say I'm sorry. I know I really screwed the pooch on this whole going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is we brought the end of the world back here with us. Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, my God, again? All of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the... Oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five! I told them we had until 2019.

Allison Hargreeves: Hey, Diego. Can't say hi to nobody?

Diego Hargreeves: Hi, Allison.

Allison Hargreeves: What was that?

Diego Hargreeves: Hi, Allison!

Allison Hargreeves: Thank you!

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x05 | Number Five: Klaus. Is Ben here? Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, uh... no. No, unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel. Ben Hargreeves: Are you kidding me?

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, wow. I know this is impossible, but... did we all get sexier?

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