Tyrion Lannister: Last night a Moon brother stabbed a Stone Crow over a sausage. Three Stone Crows seized the Moon brother and opened his throat. Bronn managed to keep Shagga from chopping off the dead man's c*ck, which was fortunate, but even still Ulf is demanding blood money, which Shagga and Gunthor refuse to pay.
Tywin Lannister: When soldiers lack discipline, the fault lies with their commander.
Tyrion Lannister: Surely there are ways to have me killed that would be less detrimental to the war effort.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated... gambled and wh*red. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe. She was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. If I close my eyes, I can still see her t*ts bouncing. When I was 10 I stuffed my Uncle's boots with goatsh*t. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged and I escaped justice. When I was 12 I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did. Once I brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...
Lysa Arryn: Silence!
Robin Arryn: What happened next?
Jon Snow: Why do you read so much?
Tyrion Lannister: If I'd been born a peasant they might've left me out in the woods to die. Alas, I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock. Things are expected of me. I must do my part for the honor of my house, wouldn't you agree? But how? Well, my brother has his sword and I have my mind. And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. That's why I read so much, Jon Snow.