Mickey Milkovich Quotes

(Mickey uses Ian as a bait to rob a man...)

Man: If you're gonna take my money, least you can do is have the twink suck me off.

Mickey Milkovich: That all you think he is? Some twink?

Man: He gave me blue balls.

Mickey Milkovich: Did he? (kicks him in his groin) Now they're black and blue balls.

Guy: What do you do for living?

Mickey Milkovich: I run business.

Guy: What kind of business?

Mickey Milkovich: Hospitality.

Guy: Oh, nice. What realm?

Mickey Milkovich: I'm a pimp.

Ryan (to Ian and Mickey): Could I get either of you a cocktail?

Mickey Milkovich: Yeah, you got beer?

Ryan: I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.

Mickey Milkovich: How about beer?

Ryan: Right. Could I be any more of a f*g? One beer coming up.

(Drugged up Ian is leaving the bar with an old man, Mickey interferes...)

Man: Ow!

Mickey Milkovich: Why don't you molest someone your own age, you geritol f**k? (punches the guy in the stomach)

Man: Ow! F**k! Ow! You're an animal.

Mickey Milkovich: I'm not the one groping and licking on underage boys, am I?

Man: We're just having fun.

Mickey Milkovich: Shut the f**k up. Now give Curtis some money before he calls the cops on you.

Man: Okay. Okay. Here, take, here.

Mickey Milkovich: Good, good. Thank you. Get the f**k out of here. (kick him) Get out of here!

Man: Ow! (starts to run away)

Mickey Milkovich: And learn how to run like a dude!

(Mickey is looking for Ian in a club...)

Manager: You think you're the first one to come in here boo-hooing about some cocktail sl*t who jacked you off in the bathroom, told you it was true love, and then disappeared? Trust me. You're not. So why don't you buy yourself a drink and fall in love with somebody else?

Mickey Milkovich: You calling me gay?

Manager: Oh. Please, honey. You make Justin Bieber look straight.

Mickey Milkovich: Aah! Oh! Ah!

Mickey Milkovich (to Svetlana): We learned a valuable lesson, anyone can jerk a c*ck. I jerk mine, he jerks his. Learn a unique skill or shut the f**k up. (Svetlana starts speaking russian angrily) No one knows what the f**k you're saying.

(Another one of Mickey's wh*res is complaining in russian...)

Mickey Milkovich: I don't know what the f**k you're saying! Oh, my God! I don't know what that means. (to everyone): Look, don't worry! We'll get a dick in you as soon as we can.

(All Mickey's wh*res are complaining in russian...)

Svetlana Yevgenivna: They say you are stupid, f**king idiot!

Mickey Milkovich: Well, what did you say back?

Svetlana Yevgenivna: That you also have small dick.

(In the bar, out of nowhere, Mickey speaks up...)

Mickey Milkovich: I like f**king carrot-tops, like, with the freckles and the pale skin and f**king alien-looking.