Meemaw: What do you think, George? Is it time to have "the talk" with him?
Missy Cooper: What talk?
Mary Cooper: No talk. Nobody's talking.
Sheldon Cooper: If "the talk" is in regards to human reproduction, I already understand how that works.
Mary Cooper: How do you know that?
Missy Cooper: I told him.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Lord.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors. Their blood ran through my veins. I was a true son of the Lone Star State. Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system. I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus. However, there was a silver lining.
Mary Cooper (singing):
Soft kitty, warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty
Purr, purr, purr.
Mary Cooper: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary Cooper: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.
Mary Cooper: If you're not gonna help, please go inside. This is not a show.
Meemaw: Now that's where I disagree.
Mark Hammil: We are gathered here today in the sight of family, friends and Almighty God.
Sheldon Cooper: That's too religious.
Mark Hammil: That lady over there made me say it.
Sheldon's Mother: He heard you, and he can't un-hear you.
Penny Hofstadter: Where are you going?
Amy's Mother: This whole thing was a big mistake. I'm gonna find Amy and get her out of here.
Penny Hofstadter: Sit down!
Amy's Mother: Excuse me?
Penny Hofstadter: Sheldon loves Amy, and he would never hurt her on her wedding day or any other day, so park it. (Sheldon's mother gets up a wants to start a slow clap) Oh, you sit down, too.
Amy's Mother (to her husband): Are you gonna let her talk to me like that? Say something.
Amy's Father (to Penny): Thank you.
Mary Cooper (to Sheldon): What on earth do we need a computer for?
Missy Cooper: Yeah, we got you and your big head.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary Cooper: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, Mom.
Mary Cooper (to herself): And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.
Mary Cooper: I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon Cooper: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary Cooper: What's this, now?
Sheldon Cooper: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary Cooper: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.
George Cooper Sr.: What other religions you considering?
Sheldon Cooper: Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, all of them.
Mary Cooper: Nope. Nope. That's not happening.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, why? As an American, don't I have freedom of religion?
Meemaw (to Mary): Those dungeons and dragons are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm also looking into voodoo.
Meemaw: Maybe y'all are being a little selfish about this.
Mary Cooper: Selfish? We're thinking of him.
Meemaw: Well, that's all well and good, but maybe you should be thinking about the whole world. I mean, what if Einstein's parents had held him back? We wouldn't even have the... Well, I was gonna say atomic bomb, but there's probably a better example.
Mary Cooper: He's nine years old.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, come on, you can't measure him in Earth years.
George Cooper Sr.: Sheldon forged a letter to get out of P.E.?
Mary Cooper: Looks like it.
George Cooper Sr.: How about that.
Mary Cooper: Don't be proud of him.
George Cooper Sr.: Can't help it. First time he ever seemed like my kid.
Mary Cooper (to George Jr.): I'm gonna ask Jesus to help you get a good grade on that test.
Sheldon Cooper: Shouldn't you have asked him before he took it?
Mary Cooper: The man rose from the dead... I think he can fix a test after the fact.
Mary Cooper: You're a good dad.
George Cooper Sr.: If I don't kill one of them before Sunday, I'm a good dad.
Mary Cooper: Let's talk about food.
George Cooper Sr.: No need to. He likes his meat cooked to at least 165 degrees, except for chicken, which is 180. The different foods can't touch each other on the plate. Ketchup and mustard must come out of a packet. No bottles.
Mary Cooper: What about his issues with spaghetti?
George Cooper Sr.: That's a trick question. He likes spaghetti.
Mary Cooper: All right, I guess you got this.