Mary Cooper: Sweetie, is someone bothering you?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Mary Cooper: Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd rather not talk about it.
Mary Cooper: No, I want a name right now. (to Missy): Have you been hurting him?
Missy Cooper: Only with my words.
Meemaw: What do you think, George? Is it time to have "the talk" with him?
Missy Cooper: What talk?
Mary Cooper: No talk. Nobody's talking.
Sheldon Cooper: If "the talk" is in regards to human reproduction, I already understand how that works.
Mary Cooper: How do you know that?
Missy Cooper: I told him.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Lord.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors. Their blood ran through my veins. I was a true son of the Lone Star State. Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system. I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus. However, there was a silver lining.
Mary Cooper (singing):
Soft kitty, warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty
Purr, purr, purr.
Mary Cooper: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary Cooper: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.
Mary Cooper: If you're not gonna help, please go inside. This is not a show.
Meemaw: Now that's where I disagree.
Mark Hammil: We are gathered here today in the sight of family, friends and Almighty God.
Sheldon Cooper: That's too religious.
Mark Hammil: That lady over there made me say it.
Sheldon's Mother: He heard you, and he can't un-hear you.
Penny Hofstadter: Where are you going?
Amy's Mother: This whole thing was a big mistake. I'm gonna find Amy and get her out of here.
Penny Hofstadter: Sit down!
Amy's Mother: Excuse me?
Penny Hofstadter: Sheldon loves Amy, and he would never hurt her on her wedding day or any other day, so park it. (Sheldon's mother gets up a wants to start a slow clap) Oh, you sit down, too.
Amy's Mother (to her husband): Are you gonna let her talk to me like that? Say something.
Amy's Father (to Penny): Thank you.
Mary Cooper (to Sheldon): What on earth do we need a computer for?
Missy Cooper: Yeah, we got you and your big head.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary Cooper: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, Mom.
Mary Cooper (to herself): And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.
Mary Cooper: I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon Cooper: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary Cooper: What's this, now?
Sheldon Cooper: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary Cooper: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.
George Cooper Sr.: What other religions you considering?
Sheldon Cooper: Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, all of them.
Mary Cooper: Nope. Nope. That's not happening.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, why? As an American, don't I have freedom of religion?
Meemaw (to Mary): Those dungeons and dragons are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm also looking into voodoo.
Meemaw: Maybe y'all are being a little selfish about this.
Mary Cooper: Selfish? We're thinking of him.
Meemaw: Well, that's all well and good, but maybe you should be thinking about the whole world. I mean, what if Einstein's parents had held him back? We wouldn't even have the... Well, I was gonna say atomic bomb, but there's probably a better example.
Mary Cooper: He's nine years old.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, come on, you can't measure him in Earth years.
George Cooper Sr.: Sheldon forged a letter to get out of P.E.?
Mary Cooper: Looks like it.
George Cooper Sr.: How about that.
Mary Cooper: Don't be proud of him.
George Cooper Sr.: Can't help it. First time he ever seemed like my kid.
Mary Cooper (to George Jr.): I'm gonna ask Jesus to help you get a good grade on that test.
Sheldon Cooper: Shouldn't you have asked him before he took it?
Mary Cooper: The man rose from the dead... I think he can fix a test after the fact.