Sheldon Cooper: When you said God gave his son to the world, did you mean Earth or the universe?
Pastor Jeff: Earth.
Sheldon Cooper: But if God created the universe, wouldn't he want to save all of it?
Pastor Jeff: Yes, uh, he would.
Sheldon Cooper: Then why did you say Earth?
Pastor Jeff: "Earth" is a synonym for the universe.
Meemaw: He's grabbing at straws now.
Sheldon Cooper: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: W-Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon Cooper: He has four limbs and they have eight.
Mary Cooper: Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.
Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Cooper Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary Cooper: He still makes me stir it.
Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary Cooper: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary Cooper: Apparently, they caused the plague.
Georgie Cooper: What about a bird?
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.
(The Cooper family is hidden because of the nearby tornado)
Mary Cooper: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!
Sheldon Cooper: Pray harder!
(After the tornado is gone...)
Sheldon Cooper (narration): The good news was most of our neighborhood was spared. The bad news: My mother thought she had something to do with it.
Mary Cooper: It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.
Missy Cooper: And here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need you to sign it, the school does.
Mary Cooper: So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): In that moment, I was so angry with her, I almost opened the jar.
George Cooper Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary Cooper: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
Georgie Cooper: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid, he tucks in those shirts.
(They go spy on her through the fence)
Mary Cooper: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.
Meemaw: What do you think, George? Is it time to have "the talk" with him?
Missy Cooper: What talk?
Mary Cooper: No talk. Nobody's talking.
Sheldon Cooper: If "the talk" is in regards to human reproduction, I already understand how that works.
Mary Cooper: How do you know that?
Missy Cooper: I told him.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Lord.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors. Their blood ran through my veins. I was a true son of the Lone Star State. Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system. I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus. However, there was a silver lining.
Mary Cooper (singing):
Soft kitty, warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty
Purr, purr, purr.
Mary Cooper: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary Cooper: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.
Mary Cooper: If you're not gonna help, please go inside. This is not a show.
Meemaw: Now that's where I disagree.