Mary Cooper: Oh, Mom. If you're sleeping with the man, you should be married to him.
Meemaw: Why do I come here? I got to find a cooler chick to talk to.
Mary Cooper: You know I'm right.
Meemaw: I know no such thing. It's my life, I don't have to do anything 'cause I'm "supposed to." I do it because I want to, and right now, I don't want to, end of story.
Mary Cooper (about Veronica): She's just having a rough time at home.
George Cooper Sr.: What's going on?
Mary Cooper: Her mother's boyfriend has a drinking problem, and... things have been getting out of hand.
George Cooper Sr.: You waited till I had a beer to tell me this story, didn't you?
Mary Cooper: You always have a beer.
Mary Cooper: He's only doing it 'cause of that Veronica girl.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, sure. That makes sense.
Mary Cooper: What do you mean, it makes sense?
George Cooper Sr.: When I was his age, I hitchhiked to Florida 'cause I had a friend that had a girlfriend who knew a girl who might be willing.
Meemaw: But then you met my daughter and you didn't have to travel so far. (laughs)
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary Cooper: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon Cooper: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary Cooper: They burn in hell... Because God loves 'em.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. Haha. Nothing new there.
Mary Cooper: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'm cool. I'm very cool.
Missy Cooper: Tell Sheldon what cool means.
Mary Cooper: Hush. Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon Cooper: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. Haha.
Missy Cooper: You're so weird.
Sheldon Cooper: More than usual?
Missy Cooper: No, I guess not.
Sheldon Cooper: Perfect.
Pastor Jeff: And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon Cooper: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary Cooper: Let's talk about it in the car.
Pastor Jeff: ...the Lord. (Meemaw raises her hand) Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary Cooper: I did not.
Sheldon Cooper: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary Cooper: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary Cooper: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary Cooper: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but... logic is here. (points at her head) And my problem is here. (touches her chest)
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?
Mary Cooper: Oh. Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon Cooper: I knew I could fix it.
Mary Cooper: Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.