Sheldon Cooper: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary Cooper: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon Cooper: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary Cooper: They burn in hell... Because God loves 'em.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. Haha. Nothing new there.
Mary Cooper: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'm cool. I'm very cool.
Missy Cooper: Tell Sheldon what cool means.
Mary Cooper: Hush. Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon Cooper: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. Haha.
Missy Cooper: You're so weird.
Sheldon Cooper: More than usual?
Missy Cooper: No, I guess not.
Sheldon Cooper: Perfect.
Pastor Jeff: And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon Cooper: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary Cooper: Let's talk about it in the car.
Pastor Jeff: ...the Lord. (Meemaw raises her hand) Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary Cooper: I did not.
Sheldon Cooper: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary Cooper: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary Cooper: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary Cooper: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but... logic is here. (points at her head) And my problem is here. (touches her chest)
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?
Mary Cooper: Oh. Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon Cooper: I knew I could fix it.
Mary Cooper: Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.
Sheldon Cooper: When you said God gave his son to the world, did you mean Earth or the universe?
Pastor Jeff: Earth.
Sheldon Cooper: But if God created the universe, wouldn't he want to save all of it?
Pastor Jeff: Yes, uh, he would.
Sheldon Cooper: Then why did you say Earth?
Pastor Jeff: "Earth" is a synonym for the universe.
Meemaw: He's grabbing at straws now.
Sheldon Cooper: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: W-Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon Cooper: He has four limbs and they have eight.
Mary Cooper: Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.
Mary Cooper: These are parents we can actually relate to.
George Cooper Sr.: Yeah, sure.
Mary Cooper: All the times we wonder if we're doing right by Sheldon or how to handle him, we finally have someone to compare notes with.
George Cooper Sr.: There's notes? I just been winging it.
George Cooper Sr.: I know you're worried, but... he needs to experience the world a little bit. Why not let him do it when most of it's asleep?
Mary Cooper: I suppose you're right.
Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Cooper Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary Cooper: He still makes me stir it.
Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary Cooper: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary Cooper: Apparently, they caused the plague.
Georgie Cooper: What about a bird?
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.
(The Cooper family is hidden because of the nearby tornado)
Mary Cooper: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!
Sheldon Cooper: Pray harder!
(After the tornado is gone...)
Sheldon Cooper (narration): The good news was most of our neighborhood was spared. The bad news: My mother thought she had something to do with it.
Mary Cooper: It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.
Missy Cooper: And here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need you to sign it, the school does.
Mary Cooper: So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): In that moment, I was so angry with her, I almost opened the jar.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you ever have a bully when you were growing up?
Mary Cooper: Have you met your grandma?
Mary Cooper: Regarding this jiu-jitsu stuff, you should know that a man's not supposed to raise his hand to a woman.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I won't. I don't want to hurt myself again.
George Cooper Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary Cooper: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
Georgie Cooper: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid, he tucks in those shirts.
(They go spy on her through the fence)
Mary Cooper: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.
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