Mary Cooper: Regarding this jiu-jitsu stuff, you should know that a man's not supposed to raise his hand to a woman.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I won't. I don't want to hurt myself again.
George Cooper Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary Cooper: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
Georgie Cooper: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid, he tucks in those shirts.
(They go spy on her through the fence)
Mary Cooper: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.
Mary Cooper: Sweetie, is someone bothering you?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Mary Cooper: Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd rather not talk about it.
Mary Cooper: No, I want a name right now. (to Missy): Have you been hurting him?
Missy Cooper: Only with my words.
Sheldon Cooper (on school intercom): Attention, students and faculty. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper. We're taught that hard work pays off, but that's not true. I came up with a solution to save Earth from killer asteroids, and lost the science fair to SueAnn Ludlow, and her frizzy hair machine. But it wasn't just me who lost, we all lost. Wake up, people. The system's broken. Real innovation isn't valued. Nowadays, it's all about flash and style. I blame MTV. Luckily, my parents can't afford cable. I urge you all to rise up. They can't send everyone to the principal's office. Chew gum in class, use a number one pencil, go nuts. This is Sheldon Lee Cooper signing off. Live long and prosper.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): And so, our little social circle grew from two to three. An early example of how people are just drawn to me.
Meemaw: What do you think, George? Is it time to have "the talk" with him?
Missy Cooper: What talk?
Mary Cooper: No talk. Nobody's talking.
Sheldon Cooper: If "the talk" is in regards to human reproduction, I already understand how that works.
Mary Cooper: How do you know that?
Missy Cooper: I told him.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Lord.
Sheldon Cooper: Whoa. That girl just took a book on geostatistics.
Tam: Yeah, so?
Sheldon Cooper: That's not required reading for any science course.
Tam: Maybe she wants to squash a spider with it.
Sheldon Cooper: No, look, she's reading it. Who is this mystery woman?
Tam: Should we invite her to have lunch with us?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. So far, it's just been you and me, and we know that works. Do we really want to mess with success?
Tam: We could think of it as an experiment.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you do know how to push my buttons.
Tam: All right, go ask her.
Sheldon Cooper: Why me?
Tam: Your lack of testosterone makes you adorable to women.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't argue with that.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors. Their blood ran through my veins. I was a true son of the Lone Star State. Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system. I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus. However, there was a silver lining.
Mary Cooper (singing):
Soft kitty, warm kitty
Little ball of fur
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty
Purr, purr, purr.
Mary Cooper: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary Cooper: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.
Mary Cooper: If you're not gonna help, please go inside. This is not a show.
Meemaw: Now that's where I disagree.
(Sheldon is leaving a classroom after the teacher sneezes two times)
Ms. MacElroy: Where do you think you're going?
Sheldon Cooper: Away from you.
Ms. MacElroy: Why's that?
Sheldon Cooper: I want to live.
Ms. MacElroy: I'm not sick. Get back in your seat.
Sheldon Cooper: No, thank you.
Ms. MacElroy: You know the rules. You can't leave without a hall pass.
Sheldon Cooper: May I have a hall pass?
Ms. MacElroy: No, you may not. Now get back in your seat.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): Rules are the pillars of society. I love rules. But what benefit are rules to a dead man?
(Sheldon runs away)
Sheldon Cooper (narration): I've been called a germophobe, but I do find a single sneeze acceptable. It could be caused by dust, allergies... Really, whatever nasal irritant floats your boat. However... during flu season... a second sneeze means a plague is upon the land, and it's every man for himself.