Sheldon Cooper: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George Cooper Sr.: I guess. Why?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George Cooper Sr.: Yeah. So?
Sheldon Cooper: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George Cooper Sr.: Not at all.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
George Cooper Sr.: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon Cooper: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George Cooper Sr.: At all costs.
Sheldon Cooper: Hearing that further convinces me I'll never get married.
George Cooper Sr.: Never say never.
Sheldon Cooper: Why not? You just said it twice.
Sheldon Cooper (narration about Veronica): My mother's fears that no one would be saved that Halloween night were proven incorrect. Mr. Lundy's scene about lust made a deep impact on my brother's date. She asked to be saved by Jesus. And as it turns out, she was. She went on to live a life devoted to God, feeding the poor, even helping her sister start a literacy program for female prisoners. My brother, on the other hand, became a devout atheist after that night.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary Cooper: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon Cooper: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary Cooper: They burn in hell... Because God loves 'em.
Scientist: Missy, what do you think is happening in this picture?
Missy Cooper: The girl monkey on the couch is telling the guy monkey a secret. Must be something juicy, 'cause he's smiling. It might be dirty, 'cause this girl monkey is sending the kid monkey out of the room. He doesn't want to go. He looks sad. The monkeys on the couch are drinking tea, so it's a tea party.
Scientist: Okay, very good. Let's look at another picture.
I'm not done. The monkey in the painting is wearing an old lady hat, so she's probably a meemaw monkey. She's not at the party, so she must be bowling or dead.
George Cooper Sr.: Well, Missy won that round.
John Sturgis: It's actually not a contest, George.
Missy Cooper: This is Texas. Everything's a contest.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): While my sister and I are twins, we've always been different. By the age of two, I was reading books. Missy was content to eat them. By five, I had a healthy appreciation for a well-organized work space. My sister, less so. Which is not to say she doesn't have qualities I admire. (scene of Missy killing a spider) The bond between twins is an incredibly close one, which is why I moved 1,500 miles to California the first chance I got.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. Haha. Nothing new there.
Mary Cooper: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'm cool. I'm very cool.
Missy Cooper: Tell Sheldon what cool means.
Mary Cooper: Hush. Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon Cooper: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. Haha.
Missy Cooper: You're so weird.
Sheldon Cooper: More than usual?
Missy Cooper: No, I guess not.
Sheldon Cooper: Perfect.
Pastor Jeff: And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon Cooper: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary Cooper: Let's talk about it in the car.
Pastor Jeff: ...the Lord. (Meemaw raises her hand) Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary Cooper: I did not.
Sheldon Cooper: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary Cooper: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary Cooper: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary Cooper: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but... logic is here. (points at her head) And my problem is here. (touches her chest)
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?
Mary Cooper: Oh. Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon Cooper: I knew I could fix it.
Mary Cooper: Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.
George Cooper Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy Cooper: Mom gives us kisses.
George Cooper Sr.: Fine.
Missy Cooper: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Cooper Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: I respectfully pass.
Missy Cooper: Mom also does the good night dance.
George Cooper Sr.: Now you're just screwing with me. Night.
Sheldon Cooper: You should've gone with "sings us a lullaby."
Missy Cooper: Yeah, I got cocky.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.
Sheldon Cooper: When you said God gave his son to the world, did you mean Earth or the universe?
Pastor Jeff: Earth.
Sheldon Cooper: But if God created the universe, wouldn't he want to save all of it?
Pastor Jeff: Yes, uh, he would.
Sheldon Cooper: Then why did you say Earth?
Pastor Jeff: "Earth" is a synonym for the universe.
Meemaw: He's grabbing at straws now.
Sheldon Cooper: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: W-Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon Cooper: He has four limbs and they have eight.
Mary Cooper: Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.