John Sturgis: This list is getting long. Maybe we should write it down.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): In that moment, I had an epiphany. I could draw up a contract for any social relationship. It was a helpful way to remove ambiguity in a world that was often hard to understand. I would go on to draw up such contracts throughout my life... With roommates, with my wife. Even with my own children.
Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Cooper Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary Cooper: He still makes me stir it.
Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary Cooper: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary Cooper: Apparently, they caused the plague.
Georgie Cooper: What about a bird?
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.
George Cooper Sr.: Morning, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. Uh, you didn't see a dog wandering around here, did you?
George Cooper Sr.: No. Y'all get a dog?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, sort of. We took him in after my brother-in-law had to go live in a gated community.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, that sounds nice, uh, they got a no pets policy?
Herschel Sparks: He's in jail, George.
Meemaw: There's something about him. I mean, he's smart as hell, and gentle and funny. Not always on purpose, but he's funny. I never met anybody like him.
George Cooper Sr.: Sounds like Sheldon.
Meemaw: Now, why would you go and put that thought in my mind?
George Cooper Sr.: Did you understand any of it? (Theoretical physics lecture)
Meemaw: Not a word. But he had on a tweed jacket with the elbow patches, so he must know what he's talking about.
Missy Cooper: Do you think we're stupid?
Georgie Cooper: Sheldon's in college right now, and we can't figure out your homework. What do you think?
Missy Cooper: Sometimes I tell myself I only look stupid because he's so smart.
Georgie Cooper: Give me the book. Don't just sit there, make me a sandwich.
Missy Cooper: There's a list of sentences, and you're supposed to say if each one's a complete sentence or not.
Georgie Cooper: The first one is, "Most people in the country". That doesn't sound like a sentence.
Missy Cooper: But ask me who drives pickup trucks.
Georgie Cooper: Who drives pickup trucks?
Missy Cooper: Most people in the country.
Georgie Cooper: Well, now it does sound like one.
Missy Cooper: I told you, it's confusing.
Missy Cooper: Can you help me?
Georgie Cooper: With what?
Missy Cooper: I don't understand my homework.
Georgie Cooper: You're asking me? I don't understand my own homework.
Missy Cooper: I know, but you're all I got.
Georgie Cooper: What kind of homework is it?
Missy Cooper: Grammar.
Georgie Cooper: I ain't great with grammar.
Missy Cooper: Well, grammar's just talking, and we both talk good.
Georgie Cooper: I guess. Gimme.
(The Cooper family is hidden because of the nearby tornado)
Mary Cooper: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!
Sheldon Cooper: Pray harder!
(After the tornado is gone...)
Sheldon Cooper (narration): The good news was most of our neighborhood was spared. The bad news: My mother thought she had something to do with it.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Randall. I would like to apply for a job.
Randall: You would?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I need to earn money so I can apply to Harvard.
Randall: I thought about going to Harvard, but then I realized The Shack is my passion.
Sheldon Cooper: So can I work here?
Customer: Excuse me. How much RAM does this computer have?
Randall: Um, I can check on that for you.
Sheldon Cooper: It comes with 640 kilobytes, but it's expandable up to 768. Well?
Randall: Do you even have a résumé?
Sheldon Cooper: No, but I have a report card that'll knock your socks off.
Customer: And what's the processor speed?
Sheldon Cooper: It has the Intel 8286, so ten megahertz.
Randall: Sorry, Sheldon. I think it's against company policy to hire little kids.
Sheldon Cooper: But people say I'm like an old man all the time.
Randall: Hey, I'm one of 'em, but the answer's still no.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): When people wonder why Radio Shack eventually went out of business, you can point to this moment.
Mary Cooper: It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.
Missy Cooper: And here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need you to sign it, the school does.
Mary Cooper: So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): In that moment, I was so angry with her, I almost opened the jar.
Georgie Cooper: Hey, now that you're treating him like an adult, can I have his allowance?
George Cooper Sr.: That allowance is for chores, which you already don't do.
Georgie Cooper: Come on. We all know I'm your favorite.
Meemaw: You're not even his third favorite.