The Witcher Quotes

Vespula: You like him!

Jaskier: Who, Geralt? Yeah, I guess. Platonically, and occasionally with great effort, as one would a family goat. Hang on, when did you get dressed?

Vespula: I mean the spoon guy.

Jaskier: What, Radovid? No!

Vespula: Yes.

Jaskier: No!

Vespula: I've cursed you for chasing tail of every kind. Men, women, dwarves, elves, polymorphous...

Jaskier: That was one time and I... regret nothing. It was amazing.

Vespula: Hmm. But never have I ever seen you have a crush.

Jaskier: A crush? Oh, you think I have crushes. Crushes are for children, my darling. I have mind-bending... world-ending, heart-wrenching affairs.

Vespula: Whatever you say. The Lothario of Lyria. The Romancer of Redania! The Stud of Cidaris!

(Knock on the door...)

Geralt: Jaskier.

Jaskier (to Vespula): For f**k's... Sorry. It's the family goat.

Jaskier: Geralt is... a hammer. You know? You're confused. All right... Wait... Okay. Ah... When you're a hammer, every problem is a nail. You see a nail and you're like, "Grrr. F**k this nail. F**k this nail, in particular." And you hammer the nail. But sometimes the problem is something else. Sometimes the problem is, uh... a bunch of petunias, or a bowl of... porridge, and you can't hammer a bowl of porridge. I mean, you can try, but then your hammer gets all gunked up, porridge goes everywhere, and then you have... no porridge. The solution requires a different kind of tool. And Radovid... is that tool. Radovid is... a spoon.

Vespula: Oh, obviously.

Jaskier: Obviously. Yeah. Aah... Yeah, I'm aware this doesn't make a lot of sense. What I'm trying to say is, the problem is different. The solution needs to be different. And Radovid... is different. He's intelligent. He tries to hide it, but he's insightful. Sharp... like a knife. If he's a knife, I need to keep him away from Geralt.

Jaskier: I'll never get over how cute they look, you know? For monsters. I mean, they've got these little teddy bear faces, and they're like... "No, please, don't hurt me!" And then, wham, fangs. Just, like, a boatload of fangs. All up in your business. How many people did you say this thing ate?

Geralt: Seven.

Jaskier: Yikes.