TV shows Quotes

Diego Hargreeves: We go in there as a united front. No more "Number One," "Number Two" bullsh*t. From now on, it's... Team Zero.

Luther Hargreeves: "Team Zero"?

Diego Hargreeves: Team Zero. All the way.

Klaus Hargreeves: I mean, who in this room knows sh*t about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau.

Vanya Hargreeves: Her name's Sissy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.

Vanya Hargreeves: What!?

Klaus Hargreeves: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch...

Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): Later.

Klaus Hargreeves: For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.

Allison Hargreeves: Okay, again, we are not biological.

Klaus Hargreeves: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up.

Luther Hargreeves: Look, maybe trying to stop doomsday is exactly what starts it. Did you ever think of that?

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, so we do nothing? Since when are you a quitter?

Luther Hargreeves: Since the last time I destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance.

Diego Hargreeves: So this is about you never living up to the old man's expectations bullsh*t, huh?

Luther Hargreeves: Maybe. I don't know, I mean, we're all crazy where Dad's concerned.

Diego Hargreeves: Oh, I'm not. He's an a**hole. I'm awesome. That's very simple.

(Number Five is explaining the new end of the world came back with them...)

Number Five: We have until Monday. We have six days.

Klaus Hargreeves: Is it Vanya?

Allison Hargreeves: Klaus!

Klaus Hargreeves: What? It's usually Vanya.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x05 | Number Five: First off, I wanna say I'm sorry. I know I really screwed the pooch on this whole going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is we brought the end of the world back here with us. Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, my God, again? All of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the... Oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five! I told them we had until 2019.

Allison Hargreeves: Hey, Diego. Can't say hi to nobody?

Diego Hargreeves: Hi, Allison.

Allison Hargreeves: What was that?

Diego Hargreeves: Hi, Allison!

Allison Hargreeves: Thank you!

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x05 | Number Five: Klaus. Is Ben here? Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, uh... no. No, unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel. Ben Hargreeves: Are you kidding me?

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, wow. I know this is impossible, but... did we all get sexier?

Luther Hargreeves: How you feeling?

Vanya Hargreeves: Pretty sh*tty, to be honest.

Diego Hargreeves: Where would you say you are on a scale from one to... ending all life on this planet?

Vanya Hargreeves: Really?

Luther Hargreeves: Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She's fine.

Diego Hargreeves: The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended midair, sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles. I think I'm allowed a little time to process.

Elliott: Oh, I would love to see an energy tentacle.

Number Five: Right now, our priority is finding Dad and getting answers, 'cause everything else depends on it.

Diego Hargreeves: Which, for the record, I found him already.

Number Five: And then let him go before we could have a meaningful conversation.

Diego Hargreeves: He stabbed me.

Number Five: I'm surprised he waited this long, Diego. We've all had the urge.

Lila Pitts: Good one.

Klaus Hargreeves: Have you ever heard the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog?

Allison Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: The scorpion wants to get across the river, so he asks the frog to carry him across. But the frog's like, "Well, what's in it for me?" And the scorpion's like, "How about five bucks?" And the frog says, "Make it 20." The scorpion's like, "Ten." The frog goes, "All right, fine, 15." And the scorpion's like, "All right, fine, 15." Then halfway across the river, the frog feels this terrible pain on his back, and... eh... the scorpion stung him. You know? And the frog's like, "Well, what the hell? We're both gonna drown now," and... they both did.

Allison Hargreeves: What the hell is the point of that story!?

Klaus Hargreeves: The point is, frogs are b*tches, and we do not negotiate with terrorists, Allison...

Allison Hargreeves: No. No, no, no. I... I actually can't deal with you right now. Absolutely not.

Vanya Hargreeves: I can't help you, Five. I don't even know who I am.

Number Five: You're our sister. And a member of the Umbrella Academy. Like it or not, that's who you are.

Vanya Hargreeves: Look, that's who I was, okay? New timeline, new me.

Number Five: No, that's not how it work... (Vanya drives off and Luther gives him the finger) Wonder if it's too late to be un-adopted.

Lila Pitts: Is it okay that I don't hate you like I hate most people?

Diego Hargreeves: Yeah. Yeah, that's okay by me. (Diego kisses her and she slaps him) Jesus!

Lila Pitts: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Diego Hargreeves: I don't understand you!

Raymond Chestnut: You. You got me out?

Klaus Hargreeves: I told you I had friends in high places.

Raymond Chestnut: I don't know what to say.

Klaus Hargreeves: Don't say a word. Anything for family, brother.

Raymond Chestnut: Well, okay.

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah!

Raymond Chestnut: We are all brothers beneath the skin.

Klaus Hargreeves: No. No, literally. You're my brother-in-law.

Raymond Chestnut: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, man. Family barbecues are about to get real weird.

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