40+ Best 'Funny' Quotes & Sayings | Scattered Quotes

Funny Quotes

Latest quotes added:

I lost some weight, grew my hair and now every woman in America over 40 wants to date me. It's their daughters I want to convince.

- David Krumholtz

I have stupid neck. Look it up. You can look up 'stupid neck,' and it'll probably be a picture of my neck. Just do me a favor. Look it up, and you'll realize that the WWE will never clear me to compete again.

- Edge

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

- Mitch Hedberg

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

- Dolly Parton

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

- Mark Twain

There's actually a thing called Wikifeet that's the Wikipedia of celebrity girls' feet.

- Nikki Glaser

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

- George Bernard Shaw

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