Amy Farrah Fowler: Who's Tam?
Sheldon Cooper: He was my best friend in the whole world growing up.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Really? Why have I never heard you mention him before?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course I have. I'm sure I've mentioned him, like, five times this week.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't think you have.
Sheldon Cooper: Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! There, it's only Thursday.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I didn't just drink the crazy milk, I bought the crazy cow.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. Haha. Nothing new there.
Mary Cooper: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'm cool. I'm very cool.
Missy Cooper: Tell Sheldon what cool means.
Mary Cooper: Hush. Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon Cooper: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. Haha.
Missy Cooper: You're so weird.
Sheldon Cooper: More than usual?
Missy Cooper: No, I guess not.
Sheldon Cooper: Perfect.
Sheldon Cooper: I was going through our expenditures and noticed our grocery bills are up 12 % compared to last quarter. Any idea why?
George Cooper Sr.: There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free.
Meemaw: There's a person at the other end of the table that eats for three.
Pastor Jeff: And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon Cooper: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary Cooper: Let's talk about it in the car.
Pastor Jeff: ...the Lord. (Meemaw raises her hand) Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary Cooper: I did not.
Sheldon Cooper: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary Cooper: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary Cooper: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary Cooper: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but... logic is here. (points at her head) And my problem is here. (touches her chest)
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?
Mary Cooper: Oh. Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon Cooper: I knew I could fix it.
Mary Cooper: Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.
George Cooper Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy Cooper: Mom gives us kisses.
George Cooper Sr.: Fine.
Missy Cooper: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Cooper Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: I respectfully pass.
Missy Cooper: Mom also does the good night dance.
George Cooper Sr.: Now you're just screwing with me. Night.
Sheldon Cooper: You should've gone with "sings us a lullaby."
Missy Cooper: Yeah, I got cocky.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.
Sheldon Cooper: When you said God gave his son to the world, did you mean Earth or the universe?
Pastor Jeff: Earth.
Sheldon Cooper: But if God created the universe, wouldn't he want to save all of it?
Pastor Jeff: Yes, uh, he would.
Sheldon Cooper: Then why did you say Earth?
Pastor Jeff: "Earth" is a synonym for the universe.
Meemaw: He's grabbing at straws now.
Sheldon Cooper: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: W-Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon Cooper: He has four limbs and they have eight.
Mary Cooper: Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): Not since sharing a uterus with my twin sister have I been so unhappy sitting next to someone.
Sheldon Cooper: You realize this is a very advanced class. We'll be discussing deriving nuclear physics from the quark model.
Paige: Do you know if he'll be doing a full color octet calculation with matrix manipulations?
Sheldon Cooper: I do not.
Paige: Do you know how to differentiate under the integral sign?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Paige: Well, do you know anything?
Sheldon Cooper: I know you're in my spot.
George Cooper Sr.: Let me tell you about my day. I got yelled at by the principal for benching a linebacker who's flunking English. Then I got yelled at even more by the kid's parents. Then I had to break up a fight in the locker room. Got elbowed in the neck.
Sheldon Cooper: That's a rough day.
George Cooper Sr.: That was all before 10:00 a.m. So I get what you're going through. But you'll notice, I didn't come home and take it out on you.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you didn't.
George Cooper Sr.: I want you to get back in there, apologize to everyone, and finish your dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, sir.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): My father's wisdom touched me deeply. Which is why, to this day, no matter what I'm going through, I am never irritating or abusive to any of my friends or loved ones. Ask them. They'll tell you.
Sheldon Cooper: I know I'm late. My training wheels broke.
Derek (Sheldon's classmate): Training wheels?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, Derek! I have training wheels like a child! I also have a job like an adult! I'm a very complicated person!
Teacher: Sure. Let's go with complicated.
John Sturgis: This list is getting long. Maybe we should write it down.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): In that moment, I had an epiphany. I could draw up a contract for any social relationship. It was a helpful way to remove ambiguity in a world that was often hard to understand. I would go on to draw up such contracts throughout my life... With roommates, with my wife. Even with my own children.
(The Cooper family is hidden because of the nearby tornado)
Mary Cooper: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!
Sheldon Cooper: Pray harder!
(After the tornado is gone...)
Sheldon Cooper (narration): The good news was most of our neighborhood was spared. The bad news: My mother thought she had something to do with it.