(Ross's gift for Rachel is expensive antique pin)
Phoebe Buffay: It's so pretty! This must've cost him a fortune.
Monica Geller: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler Bing: Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol... and bought her that riddiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel Green: What did you just say?
Chandler Bing: Crystal duck.
Rachel Green: No, no, no. The "love" part? Oh, my God!
Chandler Bing: Oh, no, no, no.
Joey Tribbiani: That's good. Just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
Phoebe Buffay: When I was growing up, my dad left... and my mother died and my stepfather went to jail. I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has three whole parents... who care about him so much they fight over who gets to love it the most... and it's not even born yet. It's just the luckiest baby in the whole world.
Phoebe Buffay (to Ross and Susan): My God, you guys. I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building... and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling! Just stop it! Don't make me do this again! I don't like my voice like this!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
Monica Geller: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
Joey Tribbiani: You know, there already is a Joseph Stalin.
Chandler Bing: You're kidding.
Joey Tribbiani: Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that.
Chandler Bing: You'd think I would've. Hey, how about Joey Heatherton?
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, I told you I don't wanna go back to Joey. Phoebe. What do you think a good stage name for me would be?
Phoebe Buffay: Flame Boy.
(Ross is doing a crossword...)
Ross Geller: "Heating device."
Phoebe Buffay: Radiator.
Ross Geller: Five letters.
Phoebe Buffay: "Rdtor."
Monica Geller: There's some creep out there with a telescope.
Ross Geller: I can't believe it. He's looking right at us.
Rachel Green: Oh, that is so sick.
Chandler Bing: I feel violated. And not in a good way.
Phoebe Buffay: How can people do that? You guys, look. Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots.
Rachel Green: Monica, what are you gonna make?
Monica Geller: I don't know. I don't know. It's just gotta be so great.
Phoebe Buffay: I know what you can make! I know! You should make that thing with the stuff. You know that thing... with the stuff? Okay, I don't know.
Phoebe Buffay: It's nothing. I'm fine. It's just... It's my friends. They have a liking problem with you... in that they don't.
Roger: They don't?
Phoebe Buffay: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good and sweet stuff. They think you're a little...
Phoebe Buffay: Intense and creepy.
Phoebe Buffay: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
Roger: I'm not at all surprised about that.
Phoebe Buffay: You do? That's why you're so great.
Roger: It's quite typical behavior... when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. You know, this kind of codependent, emotionally stunted... sitting in your stupid coffeehouse, with your stupid big cups... which might as well have nipples on them. And you're all like, "Oh, define me! Define me! Love me! I need love!"
(Phoebe to her new boyfriend Roger whom she just introduced to the group)
Phoebe Buffay: Now go away so we can talk about you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Chandler. That table place closes at 7. Come on.
Chandler Bing: Fine.
(They start to walk towards the door...)
Monica Geller: Phoebe? What is it?
Phoebe Buffay: All right. You know Paolo?
Ross Geller: I'm familiar with his work. Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: He made a move on me.
Joey Tribbiani: The store will be open tomorrow. (they come and sit down again)
Phoebe Buffay: I'd Iike to start with a song about a man I recently met... who's come to be very important to me...
You don't have to be awake
To be my man
Long as you have brain waves
I'll be there to hold your hand
Though we just met the other day
There's something I have got to say...
Phoebe Buffay: Do you think they have yesterday's Daily News?
Monica Geller: Why?
Phoebe Buffay: I just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Phoebe Buffay: I have 12 new songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.
Chandler Bing: You might wanna open with the snowman.
(Later Phoebe's performance begins...)
Phoebe Buffay: I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year...
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitching
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's freezing
I feel a little sneezy...