Paige: Sheldon, it's just a fun scary story.
Sheldon Cooper: It's nonsense is what it is.
Missy Cooper: Old man.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not an old man, I'm ten.
Missy Cooper: More like 110.
Paige: You know, I read that adults who had a stunted childhood often become social misfits and weirdos.
Sheldon Cooper: You didn't read that, you're making it up like your goat story.
Paige: Psychology Magazine, February issue, 1988.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, um... That doesn't make it true.
Paige: Guess you'll find out when you're an adult.
Sheldon Cooper: I guess I will.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): Well, we know how this story ends. I grew up to become a well-adjusted and charming fellow. But at that moment in time, she had me worried.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you going to talk the whole time?
Missy Cooper: It seems to be annoying you, so, yeah.
Scientist: Missy, what do you think is happening in this picture?
Missy Cooper: The girl monkey on the couch is telling the guy monkey a secret. Must be something juicy, 'cause he's smiling. It might be dirty, 'cause this girl monkey is sending the kid monkey out of the room. He doesn't want to go. He looks sad. The monkeys on the couch are drinking tea, so it's a tea party.
Scientist: Okay, very good. Let's look at another picture.
I'm not done. The monkey in the painting is wearing an old lady hat, so she's probably a meemaw monkey. She's not at the party, so she must be bowling or dead.
George Cooper Sr.: Well, Missy won that round.
John Sturgis: It's actually not a contest, George.
Missy Cooper: This is Texas. Everything's a contest.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. Haha. Nothing new there.
Mary Cooper: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'm cool. I'm very cool.
Missy Cooper: Tell Sheldon what cool means.
Mary Cooper: Hush. Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon Cooper: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. Haha.
Missy Cooper: You're so weird.
Sheldon Cooper: More than usual?
Missy Cooper: No, I guess not.
Sheldon Cooper: Perfect.
George Cooper Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy Cooper: Mom gives us kisses.
George Cooper Sr.: Fine.
Missy Cooper: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Cooper Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: I respectfully pass.
Missy Cooper: Mom also does the good night dance.
George Cooper Sr.: Now you're just screwing with me. Night.
Sheldon Cooper: You should've gone with "sings us a lullaby."
Missy Cooper: Yeah, I got cocky.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.
Missy Cooper: Do you think we're stupid?
Georgie Cooper: Sheldon's in college right now, and we can't figure out your homework. What do you think?
Missy Cooper: Sometimes I tell myself I only look stupid because he's so smart.
Georgie Cooper: Give me the book. Don't just sit there, make me a sandwich.
Missy Cooper: There's a list of sentences, and you're supposed to say if each one's a complete sentence or not.
Georgie Cooper: The first one is, "Most people in the country". That doesn't sound like a sentence.
Missy Cooper: But ask me who drives pickup trucks.
Georgie Cooper: Who drives pickup trucks?
Missy Cooper: Most people in the country.
Georgie Cooper: Well, now it does sound like one.
Missy Cooper: I told you, it's confusing.
Missy Cooper: Can you help me?
Georgie Cooper: With what?
Missy Cooper: I don't understand my homework.
Georgie Cooper: You're asking me? I don't understand my own homework.
Missy Cooper: I know, but you're all I got.
Georgie Cooper: What kind of homework is it?
Missy Cooper: Grammar.
Georgie Cooper: I ain't great with grammar.
Missy Cooper: Well, grammar's just talking, and we both talk good.
Georgie Cooper: I guess. Gimme.
Mary Cooper: It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.
Missy Cooper: And here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need you to sign it, the school does.
Mary Cooper: So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): In that moment, I was so angry with her, I almost opened the jar.
Mary Cooper: Sweetie, is someone bothering you?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Mary Cooper: Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd rather not talk about it.
Mary Cooper: No, I want a name right now. (to Missy): Have you been hurting him?
Missy Cooper: Only with my words.
Meemaw: What do you think, George? Is it time to have "the talk" with him?
Missy Cooper: What talk?
Mary Cooper: No talk. Nobody's talking.
Sheldon Cooper: If "the talk" is in regards to human reproduction, I already understand how that works.
Mary Cooper: How do you know that?
Missy Cooper: I told him.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Lord.
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