Pastor Jeff: For so many months, our little parish has been struggling financially. But by the grace of God and his provision, we have received the most donations in church history! Praise Jesus!
Sheldon Cooper: So it's all Jesus, we don't get any credit?
Missy Cooper: We need to start our own church.
Sheldon Cooper: They don't pay taxes. It's a very sound business model.
Meemaw: Your brother's gonna be fine, but he has to have his gallbladder removed.
Missy Cooper: How's he gonna pee?
Meemaw: Not that bladder, his gallbladder.
Georgie Cooper: What's the gallbladder do?
Meemaw: I guess not much, if they're takin' it out.
Missy Cooper: You think he'll bring it home so we can see it?
Meemaw: I'll ask.
Paige: Sheldon, it's just a fun scary story.
Sheldon Cooper: It's nonsense is what it is.
Missy Cooper: Old man.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not an old man, I'm ten.
Missy Cooper: More like 110.
Paige: You know, I read that adults who had a stunted childhood often become social misfits and weirdos.
Sheldon Cooper: You didn't read that, you're making it up like your goat story.
Paige: Psychology Magazine, February issue, 1988.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, um... That doesn't make it true.
Paige: Guess you'll find out when you're an adult.
Sheldon Cooper: I guess I will.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): Well, we know how this story ends. I grew up to become a well-adjusted and charming fellow. But at that moment in time, she had me worried.
Scientist: Missy, what do you think is happening in this picture?
Missy Cooper: The girl monkey on the couch is telling the guy monkey a secret. Must be something juicy, 'cause he's smiling. It might be dirty, 'cause this girl monkey is sending the kid monkey out of the room. He doesn't want to go. He looks sad. The monkeys on the couch are drinking tea, so it's a tea party.
Scientist: Okay, very good. Let's look at another picture.
I'm not done. The monkey in the painting is wearing an old lady hat, so she's probably a meemaw monkey. She's not at the party, so she must be bowling or dead.
George Cooper Sr.: Well, Missy won that round.
John Sturgis: It's actually not a contest, George.
Missy Cooper: This is Texas. Everything's a contest.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. Haha. Nothing new there.
Mary Cooper: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'm cool. I'm very cool.
Missy Cooper: Tell Sheldon what cool means.
Mary Cooper: Hush. Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon Cooper: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. Haha.
Missy Cooper: You're so weird.
Sheldon Cooper: More than usual?
Missy Cooper: No, I guess not.
Sheldon Cooper: Perfect.
George Cooper Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy Cooper: Mom gives us kisses.
George Cooper Sr.: Fine.
Missy Cooper: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Cooper Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: I respectfully pass.
Missy Cooper: Mom also does the good night dance.
George Cooper Sr.: Now you're just screwing with me. Night.
Sheldon Cooper: You should've gone with "sings us a lullaby."
Missy Cooper: Yeah, I got cocky.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.
Missy Cooper: Do you think we're stupid?
Georgie Cooper: Sheldon's in college right now, and we can't figure out your homework. What do you think?
Missy Cooper: Sometimes I tell myself I only look stupid because he's so smart.
Georgie Cooper: Give me the book. Don't just sit there, make me a sandwich.
Missy Cooper: There's a list of sentences, and you're supposed to say if each one's a complete sentence or not.
Georgie Cooper: The first one is, "Most people in the country". That doesn't sound like a sentence.
Missy Cooper: But ask me who drives pickup trucks.
Georgie Cooper: Who drives pickup trucks?
Missy Cooper: Most people in the country.
Georgie Cooper: Well, now it does sound like one.
Missy Cooper: I told you, it's confusing.