Miranda Bailey: Every intern wants to perform their first surgery. That's not your job. Do you know what your job is? To make your resident happy. Do I look happy? No. Why? Because my interns are whiny. You know what will make me look happy? Having code team staffed, having the trauma pages answered, having the weekend labs delivered and having someone down in the pit doing the sutures. No one holds a scalpel till I'm so happy I'm Mary-freakin'-Poppins.
Miranda Bailey: I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one: Don't bother sucking up. I hate you. That's not gonna change. Trauma protocol, phone list, pagers, nurses will page you. You will answer every page at a run. A run! That's rule number two. Your first shift starts now and lasts 48 hours. You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, write orders, work every second night until you drop, and don't complain. On-call rooms. Attendings hog them. Sleep when you can where you can, which brings me to rule number three. If I'm sleeping, don't wake me unless your patient is dying. Rule four: The dying patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed someone, you woke me for no reason. We clear? (Meredith raises her hand) Yes?
Meredith Grey: You said five rules. That was only four.
Miranda Bailey: Rule number five: When I move, you move.
Owen Hunt: I was up all night, worrying about Leo being too cold, so then I made it too hot, then I woke him up. Hey, when did Tuck start sleeping through the night?
Miranda Bailey: You're asking parenting advice?
Owen Hunt: Yeah, I just can't seem to find the right...
Miranda Bailey: You ever heard of the black lace-weaver spider?
Owen Hunt: The...
Miranda Bailey: Well, she lays about 50 to 100 eggs, and when her babies reach a certain age, she taps her web and calls them to her. They swarm her, stab into her with their straw-like stingers, the mother's innards liquefy, and they suck her up, like a milkshake, for their nourishment, leaving her a dead husk, and then, they go on with their lives. That's parenting. That's my advice.
Owen Hunt: Huh. Well, that's helpful. Thanks. Yeah.
(Arizona said to Bailey she's gonna move to New York)
Miranda Bailey: I thought you were a pixie stick.
Arizona Robbins: Huh?
Miranda Bailey: When I met you, I thought you were an empty vessel, full of sugar, who skated in a hospital. I didn't know then that it would be one of the great privileges of my life to know you and to work with you...
Arizona Robbins: Nope. I can't. I'm sorry. Thank you.
Miranda Bailey: And that...
Arizona Robbins: You, too.
Miranda Bailey (to Dr. Roy): I would like to tell you... that you are lucky. Lucky to learn from good doctors who have given everything in the face of obstacles you cannot begin to imagine. People that fought and bled to pave a way. Doctors like me. And I have made mistakes, but firing you was not one of them. You got what you deserve. That said... I am willing to have you back for a one-year probationary period, during which time I will watch you like a hawk. I've spent the better part of a year researching the best way to get up in someone's butt, so expect to find me up yours. And if... if you don't screw it up, I will shape you into an amazing surgeon.
Miranda Bailey: I have a secret. I don't even need this contest, 'cause I just signed a contract with a manufacturer. Mm. I'm gonna be rich. We're going to make the TrailBlazer. Me and Midnight Pleasures, Inc. My husband said, "You really want to go into business with a sex-toy company?" I said to him, "I have a colonoscopy device. It goes into people's rectums. This company already has items that function similarly. Don't make it nasty."
April Kepner: Wait. What? You're making your colonoscopy TrailBlazer with a sex-toy company?
Miranda Bailey: Meredith Grey called it the "TailBlazer." That's where I got the idea.
Meredith Grey: Dr. Bailey had a cookie.
Jo Wilson: Oh, crap.
Miranda Bailey: Why are you laughing? This is not funny. This is very not funny. I'm the chief.
Jo Wilson: It's very serious.
Meredith Grey: Will you take the chief up to the lecture hall, please?
Jo Wilson: Yes. Yes.
Meredith Grey: I have this, Dr. Bailey, okay?
Miranda Bailey: You'll do a good job? 'Cause he's very sweet, and his kids are very scared.
Meredith Grey: Dr. Bailey. I have this.
Miranda Bailey: I love you.
Ben Warren: Oh. Oh, no. You said it was urgent. I thought I was gonna find you lying on the floor. God, Miranda, you can't say it's urgent if it's not urgent.
Miranda Bailey: Now, you listen to me, Ben Warren, and you listen good. I know I gave you a real scare, but you have been scared long enough. I am not dying. My heart is strong and powerful just like me. I'm very much alive, and so are you. And it is urgent. It... is... urgent that we celebrate being alive right here, right now, naked.
Amelia Shepherd: Her brain scan is clear. And it's a sexy brain. She's 66?
Jo Wilson: Oh, well, if you believe her, then she's 166 'cause she's a time-traveler.
Maggie Pierce: Time travel? Like wormholes?
Miranda Bailey: Exactly!
Alex Karev: What are we looking at here?
Jo Wilson: Oh, wait. "Wormhole"... that's a great name for your device! Bailey is looking for names for her... colon thingy.
Miranda Bailey: No, I'm not.
Alex Karev: "Ass Gasket"... that's a good one.
Amelia Shepherd: God, if I could go back in time.
Miranda Bailey: No, you can't. Time doesn't go backwards.
Miranda Bailey: Oh, for the love of... I had a heart attack! Hmm. That's what Dr. Webber has gone out of his way not to say. He's gone out of his way all damn day to not reveal my secret, to not let me do my job, and to make sure that I'm not putting any extra stress and strain on my body, and it's not okay. I know better than to show up to this hospital before I'm ready, I know better than to put a child's life in my hands before I am ready, and I am ready to do my job. Now, I would appreciate everyone doing their own jobs, too.
Owen Hunt: Focusing on the field, until the awkward goes away.
Miranda Bailey: I've been trapped in my bed. I've binged every reality show ever made, and I can physically feel my IQ lowering. I'm getting back in the OR. Pierce cleared me.
Maggie Pierce: I did. She's cleared. I cleared her. She's cleared, and I'm not taking it back no matter how sternly you stare at me.
Richard Webber: I had things to do today. Now I've got to spend my day following her.
Maggie Pierce: Or you could just trust my professional assessment. (Webber leaves) No?