Mark Naird Quotes

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Mark Naird: Look, this happened in space, so the response must be in space as well. I have consulted a space attorney.

Dabney Shramm: What the f**k?

Chief of Naval Operations: There's no such thing. You got scammed.

Louis Biffoont: Now who's the dope?

Mark Naird: We signed an international outer space treaty. Any sort of violence and we break that treaty.

John Bladsmith: We need to hit back hard.

Kick Grabaston: We can bomb. Big bomb, little bomb. Smart bomb, stupid bomb. There's one for every occasion.

Mark Naird: A flag is a symbol. You can't kill people for insulting a symbol.

Dabney Shramm: If it were up to me, we'd invade. I'm talking some serious bull-in-a-China shop action. Let's knock down the Great Wall they're so proud of.

Rongley: We got all these weapons. We're never allowed to use them. Drives me crazy.

Chief of Naval Operations: Yeah, I talk to my therapist about this all the time.

John Bladsmith: Where are we at with nukes?

Mark Naird: No, no. We're not going to nuke China.

Hildy: Have a good time in Denver, General. Just know it may not be as great as you remember.

Mark Naird: Thank you, Hildy. Expectations managed.

Adrian Mallory: Uh, people certainly seem invested in your fake trip.

Mark Naird: They care about the old man because they know the old man cares about them.

Adrian Mallory: Mm-hmm.

Mark Naird: Any problems, Brad'll take care of them.

Dr. Vandeveld: General, if I may offer some advice. Downtown Denver will always be there. Why not spend some time getting to know the other parts of the city? That way, when you do go "downtown," it will be that much more special. Yes? Okay. Happy travels.

Adrian Mallory: I believe your code may have been cracked.

Mark Naird: Yeah. No sh*t.

Bobby: General, let me say I am very sorry for canceled sex visit with your convict wife.

Mark Naird: How do you know about that?

Bobby: From observation. The way you walk. Wait... you think I'm spy?

Adrian Mallory: The thought has crossed our minds, yeah.

Bobby: Please, my phone doesn't stop ringing. Like, "Yuri, why does India have Pegasus and not Russia? What are we paying you for?" "Mr. President, Father, I am sorry." You see? Our interests, the same. Let Bobby help you.

Mark Naird: Everyone should be proud. You acquitted yourselves well.

Obie Hanrahan: We got ice cream, sir.

Mark Naird: Enjoy it. That goes for all of you. Enjoy life while you can. For only the dead have seen the end of war.

Julio Díaz: We got sprinkles, sir.

Mark Naird: Jesus.

Mark Naird: All right! Let's see what these suits are capable of. Chambers, give me a burpee.

Chambers: Not possible, sir.

Mark Naird: You can't even do a burpee in that thing?

Chambers: I couldn't do one before.

Julio Díaz: I can do one, sir. (burps loudly)

Mark Naird: Oh, my God!

Kick Grabaston: We're going to eat your guts, Nerd, and wipe our a$$es with your skin.

Mark Naird: Oh, really? We're gonna eat your guts and wipe your asses with our skin. (to Mallory): So the game of mental chess has begun.

Adrian Mallory: Hungry Hungry Hippos at best.

(Naird is on the phone with Mallory, all spacemen can hear it...)

Mark Naird: Which will give us the biggest edge?

Adrian Mallory: I'd go with Lockheed.

Mark Naird: Lockheed! Good!

Adrian Mallory: Both are only designed to get the spacesuits back to base after an astronaut is killed. Spacesuits cost millions. Spacemen, rather less.

Mark Naird: All right. Roger that. Over and out. (tries to end the call)

Adrian Mallory: Neither is designed to save the men. The systems are...

Mark Naird: What am I doing?

Adrian Mallory: ...basically high-tech body bags. But the military's ritual slaughter...

Chan Kaifang: It's the one... (helps Naird end the call)

Mark Naird: Oh, there we go. Okay. Phones.

Obie Hanrahan: I'm already kinda sleepy, sir.

Mark Naird: Jesus Christ.

Chan Kaifang: Don't worry. In the field, each one of you will be wearing an exoskeleton.

Mark Naird: What the f**k is that guy's problem? Iron Man pants. You'll be paired with a scientist who can remote-control walk you back to base, whether you're conscious or not.

Julio Díaz: Permission to nap while the pants walk us back, sir?

Mark Naird: No! No napping. Newborns nap. Come on, spaceman.

Mark Naird: So what's the problem?

Adrian Mallory: Three spacemen and a civilian sculptor.

Mark Naird: Jesus. A sculptor? Why?

Adrian Mallory: The personality dynamics are the subject of the experiment. The sculptor's humane creativity is meant to balance the rationality of the astronauts, but now, one week left, one of them has gone...

Mark Naird: Don't say AWOL.

Adrian Mallory: Mad.

Mark Naird: Thank God.

Mark Naird: One thing you learn in the military is that money doesn't matter. People matter. Thousands of people working tirelessly, day and night. And we may have spent a billion dollars to put one astronaut in a position where they can do something that'll benefit everybody. And that one astronaut may be a human being who is risking her life in a very dangerous pursuit. A human being who is not doing it for the money, by the way. A human being who is battling fear and exhaustion and uncertainty. And who has been eating dehydrated mac and cheese, mixed with her own filtered urine, for the last month. I want her to have a taste of the Earth. And remember what she's fighting for. I see billionaires in the news who look at space like it's where we're all going to go when we trash this planet. Well, there is no substitute in space for this planet. You cannot make an orange out of powder and urine, no matter how hard we try.

Rep. Bob White: Only God can make an orange.

Mark Naird: Well, whoever made it, we're the only place in the universe you can get it. We better take care of this planet and the people who live here. And what better reminder of the Earth than an orange. Because an orange, like the Earth itself, is perfect and round.

Rep. Bob White: It's a flat rectangle!

Mark Naird: No, Bob, not really. Come on. We are putting people's lives at risk in the pursuit of science to solve our many problems. To sum up, this country has enough wealth that we can give an astronaut who is risking her life for all of us an orange every once in a while.

Anabela Ysidro-Campos: Your entire attitude seems to be, "Give us money and don't look while we militarize space." Your head scientist is nodding.

Mark Naird: It is a condition. Drinking Bird Syndrome.

Mark Naird: That reminds me. Keep quiet in there, unless I give you a signal.

Adrian Mallory: Did we agree on a signal? I don't think so. How about, "Dr. Mallory will now explain how man and his barbaric nature will destroy space, as he has the Earth."

Mark Naird: Too wordy. I'll just tap on the table twice with a pencil.

Mark Naird: Space Force isn't going anywhere. And neither am I.

Kick Grabaston: Oh, you're going somewhere, Naird. By the end of this hearing, I'm going to reabsorb Space Force and its budget, like the world's most powerful tampon.

Mark Naird: I always thought that you were a tampon.

Kick Grabaston: Tampons spend all day in v*ginas. Nothing manlier, if you ask me.

Mark Naird: All day? Five hours, tops. Three if you have uterine fibroids. She knows what I'm talking about.

Chief of Naval Operations: Acknowledge my gender again, and I will f**k you in the a$$.

Mark Naird: Duly noted. Duly noted.

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