40+ Best 'Klaus Hargreeves' Quotes from The Umbrella Academy | Page 2 of 4

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 3x01 | Number Five: Technically, if you're near your doppel for long, you'll go insane. So, if you see your other self... Diego Hargreeves: Kill them. Klaus Hargreeves: Sleep with them. Number Five: Avoid them. Luther Hargreeves: What the hell is wrong with you? Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, come on. As if you wouldn't climb Luther Mountain.

Diego Hargreeves: Where's the bathroom?

Klaus Hargreeves: Down the hall, or... (opens the window) Nature's bathroom.

Diego Hargreeves: You're disgusting.

Klaus Hargreeves: But consistent.

Luther Hargreeves (about the Sparrows): Man, I hate those guys. Look at 'em with their... stupid smug...

Klaus Hargreeves: You can do it. You can do it.

Luther Hargreeves: S... s... smug... Smugness.

Klaus Hargreeves: Keep working on it, big guy. You'll land one, eventually.

Vanya Hargreeves (to everyone): Thank God you're alive.

Klaus Hargreeves: Apparently, so is Ben.

Allison Hargreeves: Yeah. And he's a complete d*ckhead.

Diego Hargreeves: They're all d*ckheads.

Luther Hargreeves: D*ckheads who can fight.

Number Five: Okay, next person to say "d*ckhead" is getting a punch to the throat.

Allison Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Luther Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Klaus Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Diego Hargreeves: D*ckhead.

Reginald Hargreeves: They call themselves the Umbrella Academy, a group of scheming, perfidious malcontents who accosted me in the fall of 1963 when I was away on business in Dallas. Be warned, they claim to be my spawn.

Allison Hargreeves: Claim? Look, Five, what the hell is going on?

Number Five: I don't know yet, but it's concerning.

Marcus Hargreeves: Is he telling the truth?

Vanya Hargreeves: Not the part about us being perfidious.

Klaus Hargreeves: No, we're amateur-fidious, at best.

Klaus Hargreeves: No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Diego Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: If you don't make it back, there's one thing that I need to tell you.

Diego Hargreeves: Klaus, I don't have time for this.

Klaus Hargreeves: Please.

Diego Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know.

Diego Hargreeves: Thanks, man.

Klaus Hargreeves (to Ben): No cutting of the hair. I love my look right now. Second, no touchy-touchy down there. Well... maybe I won't mind, you know, but just don't look, because I'm shy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, God, I hate this. Not being able to do anything.

Ben Hargreeves: Klaus, the way you feel right now is the way I feel every day. All I do is watch you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. Welcome to powerlessness.

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, my God. That must suck. I'm sorry.

Ben Hargreeves: You wanna make it up to me?

Klaus Hargreeves: No!

Ben Hargreeves: Come on, please!

Klaus Hargreeves: You cannot possess me.

Klaus Hargreeves: I mean, who in this room knows sh*t about relationships? This one? In secret love with some farm Frau.

Vanya Hargreeves: Her name's Sissy.

Klaus Hargreeves: Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.

Vanya Hargreeves: What!?

Klaus Hargreeves: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch...

Allison Hargreeves (to Vanya): Later.

Klaus Hargreeves: For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.

Allison Hargreeves: Okay, again, we are not biological.

Klaus Hargreeves: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin. The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up.

(Number Five is explaining the new end of the world came back with them...)

Number Five: We have until Monday. We have six days.

Klaus Hargreeves: Is it Vanya?

Allison Hargreeves: Klaus!

Klaus Hargreeves: What? It's usually Vanya.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x05 | Number Five: First off, I wanna say I'm sorry. I know I really screwed the pooch on this whole going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is we brought the end of the world back here with us. Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, my God, again? All of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the... Oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five! I told them we had until 2019.

Quote from The Umbrella Academy 2x05 | Number Five: Klaus. Is Ben here? Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, uh... no. No, unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel. Ben Hargreeves: Are you kidding me?

Klaus Hargreeves: Oh, wow. I know this is impossible, but... did we all get sexier?

Klaus Hargreeves: Have you ever heard the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog?

Allison Hargreeves: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: The scorpion wants to get across the river, so he asks the frog to carry him across. But the frog's like, "Well, what's in it for me?" And the scorpion's like, "How about five bucks?" And the frog says, "Make it 20." The scorpion's like, "Ten." The frog goes, "All right, fine, 15." And the scorpion's like, "All right, fine, 15." Then halfway across the river, the frog feels this terrible pain on his back, and... eh... the scorpion stung him. You know? And the frog's like, "Well, what the hell? We're both gonna drown now," and... they both did.

Allison Hargreeves: What the hell is the point of that story!?

Klaus Hargreeves: The point is, frogs are b*tches, and we do not negotiate with terrorists, Allison...

Allison Hargreeves: No. No, no, no. I... I actually can't deal with you right now. Absolutely not.

Raymond Chestnut: You. You got me out?

Klaus Hargreeves: I told you I had friends in high places.

Raymond Chestnut: I don't know what to say.

Klaus Hargreeves: Don't say a word. Anything for family, brother.

Raymond Chestnut: Well, okay.

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah!

Raymond Chestnut: We are all brothers beneath the skin.

Klaus Hargreeves: No. No, literally. You're my brother-in-law.

Raymond Chestnut: What?

Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, man. Family barbecues are about to get real weird.

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