The Best 'John Bennett' Quotes from Ted

John Bennett: Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag.
Ted: Mirrors and small children pointing at things that you can’t see.
John Bennett: Oh, sh*t. Yeah, that’s a bad one. Oh, and when the Black guy says, oh, I’ll go check out what the noise is in the basement. That’s always trouble.
Ted: Yeah, why does the Black guy always die?
John Bennett: Yeah, isn’t that kind of racist?
Ted: Seems like it.
John Bennett: They should have only white people in those movies.
Ted: Oh, yeah, so then the Black guys won’t get killed. Blaire, we just came up with a great way to make movies less racist.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

John Bennett (to Blaire): I’ll tell you one thing. I would never watch p*rn again. Even if it was everywhere, all the time. Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket that would give it to me whenever I wanted so I could jerk off at a moment’s notice. No. Never again.
Narrator: John kept his promise. For the next two years. Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, he pulled on his p*nis so hard, it damn near came off. That didn’t deter him from masturbating four more times before going to a local urgent care, where he waited eight hours in line behind dozens of other men who had also nearly pulled their p*nises off after discovering the internet. And now, today, anyone you talk to has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. This is Ian McKellen, reminding you: don’t shake anyone’s hand. Good night.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

John Bennett: We have to run away, never to return.
Ted: I see no other option.
John Bennett: I’m going to miss this house. Goodbye, water-stained ceilings.
Ted: Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn’t close all the way.
John Bennett: Goodbye, windows painted shut.
Ted: Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close.
John Bennett: Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper.
Ted: Goodbye, carpet that’s never been dry.
John Bennett: Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.
Ted: Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it.
John Bennett: Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago.
Ted: Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags.
John Bennett: Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner.
Ted: Jesus, let’s get the f**k out of here.
John Bennett: Yeah, no sh*t.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

Ted: Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once.
John Bennett: I’m basically an adult already, OK? I just want to watch an adult movie.
Blaire Bennett: All right, fine.
John Bennett: What?
Ted: What?
Blaire Bennett: I don’t have time to stand here all day and argue. OK, just go wait in the car.
Ted: Holy sh*t. F**king awesome! Wow, Thank you so much! Blaire, this is f**king awesome! Thank you so much!
John Bennett: Oh, my God, Blaire! You’re f**king amazing, Blaire! Thank you so much! Oh, you’re the f**king best!
Ted: Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you, that’s probably what we’re going to like.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

John Bennett: Jurassic Park. It’s, like, the greatest movie I’ve ever f**king seen, like, ever.
Ted: Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs.
Blaire Bennett: Uh, yeah, I don’t think so.
Ted: No, he did.
John Bennett: No, he did. He totally did. There’s no other explanation.
Blaire Bennett: I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs.
Ted: Well, that’s-that’s a ignorant thing to say, Blaire, when you didn’t see the movie.
John Bennett: Yeah, no, he made “ET” and he made “Jaws” and this was his reward. He got real dinosaurs to play with. It all adds up.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

Blaire Bennett: How can you watch that sh*t? It’s just car chases and blowing stuff up.
John Bennett: Why did you just say two good things as if they’re two bad things?

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

(Eating Oreos while high…)
Ted: These are so good.
John Bennett: So good.
Ted: And look at the intricate carvings.
John Bennett: Yeah. Yeah, is this some Illuminati sh*t?
Ted: That’s what I’ve heard. Like, if you can decipher what’s on an Oreo, you can know the mind of God.
John Bennett: I heard no two Oreos are alike.
Ted: Hey. What a great conversation.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

Ted: Maybe I could just tell Matty to go f**k himself.
John Bennett: No way, dude, my dad’s a sad*st. He thought Vietnam was fun.
Ted: Jesus, really?
John Bennett: Yeah, he cried when the helicopters came to pick him up. You don’t want to piss him off, man. He’ll kick you out of the house. You’ll starve.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

(Bet to make Susan swear…)
John Bennett: I win. Pay up. (Ted gives him money) Thank you. Wait, you’re not wearing pants. Where’d you get this?
Ted: Don’t you worry about where I’m keeping stuff.

Full Quote & More Info

| | 0

John Bennett Quotes

John Bennett is a character from Ted