Jaskier Quotes

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Yennefer: I heard the song. Geralt must have left quite a sour taste in your mouth.

Jaskier: What? He... No one leaves any tastes in my mouth, thank you very much.

Jaskier: What fresh hell did you just crawl out of?

Yennefer: A sewer. What's your excuse?

Jaskier (singing):

All those lonely miles that you ride

Now you'll walk with no one by your side

Did you ever even care

With your swords and your stupid hair?

Now watch me laugh as I burn all the memories of you

Chireadan: You have to go in there, don't you? I recognize the look. I know how you feel.

Geralt: You're making me uncomfortable.

Jaskier: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Do not tell me that this is finally the moment you've decided to actually care about someone other than yourself? Leave the very sexy but insane witch to her inevitable demise!

Geralt: She saved your life, Jaskier. I can't let her die.

(Jaskier wakes up in a room with naked Yennefer in it...)

Jaskier: Oh! Where am I? Whew! Um... Right. Good. Good. Um... Not to be... untoward or anything... But... did we... you know... do the, uh... Ooh, Go... Oh, no! No! Definitely did not butter that biscuit. Look, I am so sorry, but I've just remembered I left my... cat on the... stove. I... I really must be going.

Geralt: I'm not killing anyone. Not over the petty squabbles of men.

Jaskier: Yes, yes, yes. You never get involved. Except you actually do, all of the time.

Geralt: How many of these lords want to kill you?

Jaskier: Hard to say. One stops keeping count after a while. Wives, concubines, mothers sometimes.

Jaskier: Now, now, stop your boorish grunts of protest. It is one night bodyguarding your very best friend in the whole wide world. How hard could it be?

Geralt: I'm not your friend.

Jaskier: Oh. Oh, really? Oh, you usually just let strangers rub chamomile onto your lovely bottom? Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. That's what I thought.

Jaskier: I've made you famous, Witcher. By rights, I should be claiming ten percent of all your coin, but instead, what I'm asking for is a teeny, teeny-weeny little favor.

Geralt: F*ck off, bard.

Jaskier: For one measly night of service, you will gain a cornucopia of earthly delights. The greatest masters of the culinary arts crafting morsels worthy of the gods. Maidens that would make the sun itself blush with a single comely smile. (Geralt walks off) And rivers of the sweetest of drinks from the rarest of... F*ck! (runs after him) Food, women and wine, Geralt!

Townsman: And it... swallowed... that witcher... whole!

Jaskier (taking notes): Oh, this is brilliant! Oh, sorry. It's just Geralt's usually so stingy with the details. Uh... and then what happened?

Townsman: He died.

Jaskier: Eh... He's fine.

Townsman: Look, I was there. I saw it with my own...

(Geralt enters)

Jaskier: See? (laughs)

Townsman: Oh... What's that stench?

Geralt: Selkiemore guts. Had to get it from the inside.


Toss a coin to your witcher

O Valley of Plenty

O Valley of Plenty, oh-oh-oh

Toss a coin to your witcher

A friend of humanity


"While the devil's horns

Minced our tender meat

And so cried the witcher

He can't be bleat..."

Geralt: That's not how it happened. Where's your newfound respect?

Jaskier: Respect doesn't make history.

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