Jaskier Quotes

Vespula (to Philippa): And you can f**kin' have him! And his pox-marked c*ck!

Jaskier: Now who's lying, Vespula?

Philippa: She doesn't have a crossbow up there, does she?

Jaskier: No! (laughs) Possibly. Yeah, no, I wouldn't rule it out. No crossbows!

Jaskier (to Philippa): Ah! Oh! Ooh! When will magic, sexy women just stop jumping out at me? Usually it's you coming at me from above.

Jaskier (to Ciri): The Child Surprise, I've heard so much a... (want to shake her hand, she walks around him...) Like father, like daughter.

Jaskier: Gah, you are always so emotional! I mean, it's just yap, yap, yap with you sometimes. "Oh, Jaskier, I'm so sad and complicated!"

Geralt: Shut up, Jaskier.

Jaskier: You shut up. That's a perfect impression of you, by the way.

Geralt: Jaskier...

Jaskier: Don't f**king Jaskier me. I'm talking to you. This is how this works.

Jaskier (to Geralt): Last time we saw each other, you basically told me to f**k off. Remember? And you left me on a mountain. Have you seen these boots? I mean, I pretty much just slid all the way down that hill back to Caingorn.

(Prison guard makes Jaskier stop singing...)

Jaskier (to mice): Guys, your harmonies were a little pitchy. Gordon, you're amazing. Talent recognizes talent. Let's go again. Three, four...

Jaskier (singing):

Oh, lock me up

And sock me up

And throw away the key

Go f**k yourself, you wh*reson

'Cause you're through f**kin' with me

(Geralt is outside the cell taking care of the prison guards...)

Jaskier: F**king hell! You know what? We're trying to rehearse in here! (to the mice): Gentlemen, I am so sorry. Give me a moment.

(The dock guard offends Jaskier by criticizing his lyrics...)

Jaskier: Am I gonna say it? Yeah, I'm gonna say it. You know, if you could write yourself a little song, you could sing yourself whatever you please, but you can't, can you? Because you are a dockside scapegrace, a qualling feculent, a beef-witted, hell-hated, addlepated goon... and a waste of your father's... In all of my... leave it to... And maybe, just maybe, you are grateful to be entertained.

Dock guard: You're an hero to my niece.

Jaskier: Well...

Dock guard: Practically worships you.

Jaskier: Naturally.

Dock guard: She'll be heartbroken to hear her favorite bard is a steaming pile of sh*t for brains.

Jaskier (singing):

Oh the Golden One with the golden rules

Two long-necked warriors with all the tools

Jaskier: I'm gonna do what I do best.

Cahir: And what's that?

Jaskier: Oh, I never really know. Yeah, that's why I'm so good at it.

Jaskier: I sing of universal matters, my dear, generous lady. Emotions which anybody could experience. That song could be about anyone.

Yennefer: Mmm.

Jaskier: Anyone.

Yennefer: Mm. Mm-hm.

Jaskier: Anyone. Anyone.

Yennefer: Mm...

Jaskier: Fine. Yes, when I wrote it, it did come from the heart. Perhaps a broken one.