(Naird is on the phone with Mallory, all spacemen can hear it...)
Mark Naird: Which will give us the biggest edge?
Adrian Mallory: I'd go with Lockheed.
Mark Naird: Lockheed! Good!
Adrian Mallory: Both are only designed to get the spacesuits back to base after an astronaut is killed. Spacesuits cost millions. Spacemen, rather less.
Mark Naird: All right. Roger that. Over and out. (tries to end the call)
Adrian Mallory: Neither is designed to save the men. The systems are...
Mark Naird: What am I doing?
Adrian Mallory: ...basically high-tech body bags. But the military's ritual slaughter...
Chan Kaifang: It's the one... (helps Naird end the call)
Mark Naird: Oh, there we go. Okay. Phones.
Obie Hanrahan: I'm already kinda sleepy, sir.
Mark Naird: Jesus Christ.
Chan Kaifang: Don't worry. In the field, each one of you will be wearing an exoskeleton.
Mark Naird: What the fuck is that guy's problem? Iron Man pants. You'll be paired with a scientist who can remote-control walk you back to base, whether you're conscious or not.
Julio Díaz: Permission to nap while the pants walk us back, sir?
Mark Naird: No! No napping. Newborns nap. Come on, spaceman.
Mark Naird: So what's the problem?
Adrian Mallory: Three spacemen and a civilian sculptor.
Mark Naird: Jesus. A sculptor? Why?
Adrian Mallory: The personality dynamics are the subject of the experiment. The sculptor's humane creativity is meant to balance the rationality of the astronauts, but now, one week left, one of them has gone...
Mark Naird: Don't say AWOL.
Adrian Mallory: Mad.
Mark Naird: Thank God.
Mark Naird: One thing you learn in the military is that money doesn't matter. People matter. Thousands of people working tirelessly, day and night. And we may have spent a billion dollars to put one astronaut in a position where they can do something that'll benefit everybody. And that one astronaut may be a human being who is risking her life in a very dangerous pursuit. A human being who is not doing it for the money, by the way. A human being who is battling fear and exhaustion and uncertainty. And who has been eating dehydrated mac and cheese, mixed with her own filtered urine, for the last month. I want her to have a taste of the Earth. And remember what she's fighting for. I see billionaires in the news who look at space like it's where we're all going to go when we trash this planet. Well, there is no substitute in space for this planet. You cannot make an orange out of powder and urine, no matter how hard we try.
Rep. Bob White: Only God can make an orange.
Mark Naird: Well, whoever made it, we're the only place in the universe you can get it. We better take care of this planet and the people who live here. And what better reminder of the Earth than an orange. Because an orange, like the Earth itself, is perfect and round.
Rep. Bob White: It's a flat rectangle!
Mark Naird: No, Bob, not really. Come on. We are putting people's lives at risk in the pursuit of science to solve our many problems. To sum up, this country has enough wealth that we can give an astronaut who is risking her life for all of us an orange every once in a while.
Mark Naird: That reminds me. Keep quiet in there, unless I give you a signal.
Adrian Mallory: Did we agree on a signal? I don't think so. How about, "Dr. Mallory will now explain how man and his barbaric nature will destroy space, as he has the Earth."
Mark Naird: Too wordy. I'll just tap on the table twice with a pencil.
Kick Grabaston: So, how's it going at Space Force?
Adrian Mallory: Could be better.
Kick Grabaston: I bet. Naird is a brute.
Adrian Mallory: Mm.
Kick Grabaston: Damn shame about the ice.
Adrian Mallory: What ice?
Kick Grabaston: The ice that's melting everywhere on Earth.
Adrian Mallory: Uh... yes.
Kick Grabaston: Yeah, I... I care about the ice... and the animals that depend on that ice to live. Ice birds. Ice bears.
Adrian Mallory: Hmm.
Kick Grabaston: You know... if the committee loses faith in Naird today, I would run Space Force. And I would have you operating with twice the funding and none of the oversight.
Mark Naird: Space Force isn't going anywhere. And neither am I.
Kick Grabaston: Oh, you're going somewhere, Naird. By the end of this hearing, I'm going to reabsorb Space Force and its budget, like the world's most powerful tampon.
Mark Naird: I always thought that you were a tampon.
Kick Grabaston: Tampons spend all day in vaginas. Nothing manlier, if you ask me.
Mark Naird: All day? Five hours, tops. Three if you have uterine fibroids. She knows what I'm talking about.
Chief of Naval Operations: Acknowledge my gender again, and I will fuck you in the ass.
Mark Naird: Duly noted. Duly noted.
Chan Kaifang: This launched two months ago. On board: assault rifles, ten. Assault rifles?
Adrian Mallory: This was not a scientifically useful mission, guys. I kept it from you.
Mark Naird: It was a very successful mission, ordered by POTUS himself, which proved that assault rifles will work in the vacuum of space.
Adrian Mallory: Which was never in doubt. But now the Manchester Arms Company can advertise the R-9 as the official Space Force gun for committing mass shootings on the moon.