Old Dads (2023) Quotes

Cara Brody: I'm just so sick of your f**king excuses.

Connor Brody: What? It's not an excuse, Cara. I'm in actual f**king pain, which is something you can't relate to because you block it out with your cold, reptilian mindset.

Cara Brody: You think I'm cold?

Connor Brody: Babe, when you open your legs, I can actually hear the East German National Anthem.

(Cara slaps him)

Connor Brody: Ah! Finally, a little f**king emotion!

Mike Richards: Britney, would you do me the honor of becoming my bride?

Britney: Michael Jahim Richards. I am not answering that question in the middle of a hospital!

Mike Richards: My bad.

Britney: Get up! Jesus! Get up! Come on! Take a shower! Buy a ring! Show some effort! At least take me to Tony Roma's or something.

Mike Richards: How about Ruth's Chris?

Britney: I mean, I do love Ruth's Chris.

(Guys are renting scooters...)

Mike Richards: You know I got a flip phone?

Cara Brody: What the f**k?

Mike Richards: What? I don't want motherf**kers tracking me!

Cara Brody: Man, nobody gives a sh*t where you are.

(Jack and motel owner are arguing if vaping is smoking...)

Jack Kelly: What makes it smoking, buddy, is the f**king smoke coming out of your mouth, all right? So, get out of my f**king face before I throw you in that f**king pool?

Motel owner: I don't respond to hyperbole!

Jack Kelly: Good. Because I don't know what the f**k that means.

Parent: Is there a reason we always have two white men dominating the discussion in this room?

Jack Kelly: Was that directed at us? 'Cause if I'm not mistaken, you're also a white male, buddy.

Parent: Why don't you consult the results of my 23andMe test? Because the 3% of my lineage that is Sri Lankan is really not appreciating your tone in this moment. So I'm gonna need you to check your privilege.

Jack Kelly: Check my privilege?

Parent: That's right. Check your privilege.

Connor Brody: Okay. Uh, why don't we concentrate on the silent auction?

Jack Kelly (to Connor): That's not a white guy?

Connor Brody (to Jack): I'm confused.

Parent #1: I've got it. What about the United States of Gender? Parent #2: There it is. Oh my God. I love that! Parent #1: I know. I love it. Parent #2: We could have an entirely trans waitstaff. It'd be great! Jack Kelly: Okay. Wait, guys. There's gonna be a lot of different people here at this party. Maybe we should try to keep it a little more mainstream. Parent #1: Hmm. Define mainstream. Jack Kelly: I don't know, like, you know, not turn it into, like, a tranny bar. Parent #2: Oh my God! Parent #3: Tranny? You cannot say that word! Jack Kelly: What are you supposed to say? All parents: Trans! Jack Kelly: Oh, all right. Well, I was close. Trans, tranny. It's like Mike, Mikey.

Jack Kelly: So, you gonna help me with this thing?

Connor Brody: F**k, no.

Jack Kelly: Come on. It's just a fundraiser meeting.

Connor Brody: I said no.

Jack Kelly: What about that time I pretended to be your dad 'cause you were lying to that chick about your age, huh?

Connor Brody: I have no recollection of that incident.

Parent: I would just like to voice how incredibly hurt I am. Mr. Kelly, do you understand that using the C-word is like the N-word but for women?

Jack Kelly: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm... I'm sure... I'm sure it is. You know, other than the 400 years of slavery and continued systemic oppression. Other than that, I think you're making a really solid point there.

(Jack has to make a formal apology to Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner in front of all the parents from school...)

Jack Kelly (to all parents): Okay. Wow! That's quite a turnout. Um... All right, um... I guess, uh, looking back, I, uh, let my emotions get the best of me yesterday, and, um, I wish I could have chosen my words a little bit differently. All right? And I am sorry that six of you heard this and then told the other 40.

Jack Kelly: We're just wondering when you're gonna make an honest woman out of Britney.

Mike Richards: I already told you. She doesn't wanna get married. She doesn't wanna have kids. All she wants to do is f**k me and go to the gym.

Jack Kelly: Godd*mn, Mike. You found a f**king unicorn.