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Phil Coulson Quotes

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Phil Coulson: You know, it'd be nice if, for once, Thor and his people sent down the god of cleaning-up-after-yourself. He'd probably have a magic broom for this kind of thing.

Skye: I just wish they'd left their alien ship behind.

Melinda May: So we can clean that up, too?

Skye (to May): So we could go inside. Take a peek under the hood, maybe take it for a spin. Come on, you're telling me piloting an alien ship isn't on your bucket list?

Phil Coulson: I can't think of a single time when anything alien in human hands ended well.

Skye: Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's so dreamy.

Phil Coulson: Sure, he's handsome, but...

Melinda May: No. He's dreamy.

Skye: I wanted to know more about Ward and Fitz's mission. Simmons is seriously starting to unravel without Fitz.

Phil Coulson: I know it's hard to hear, but you don't have the clearance.

Skye: But I have eyes. I saw six squads in full tactical gear, three crates of RPGs, and a full crew of analysts heading into operations. Are you really telling me that has nothing to do with Ward and Fitz's mission? If I'm right, give me a signal by not saying anything.

Phil Coulson: Trust the system.

(Back at the plane...)

Phil Coulson (to May): You know, I like this plane. I like the way we do things here. Everyone's on the same page, no red tape. So far, it's working for us. Most of us. And maybe I'm getting soft, but I don't like keeping things from our team. If you knew... No, you're right. Level 8. But... I know. Trust the system. May? Thanks.

Phil Coulson: What's Fitz doing out there?

Jemma Simmons: He detected a strange energy coming off the body.

Phil Coulson: He's afraid of it, isn't he?

Leo Fitz: It's the smell!

Jemma Simmons: There's no shame in it, Fitz. It's perfectly natural to be afraid.

Leo Fitz: No, the only thing I'm afraid of is putrid, decaying flesh corrupting my pristine workspace. Do you remember the last time you brought a dead thing into the lab?

Jemma Simmons: Oh, not the stupid cat again!

Leo Fitz: The cat!

Jemma Simmons: And it's our lab, Fitz, not your lab!

Leo Fitz: Tell him about the cat. You left his liver next to my lunch!

Jemma Simmons: Working up a good sweat there, sir?

Phil Coulson: I don't sweat. I glisten.

Phil Coulson: How are we seeing this? Where's the camera?

Melinda May: It's her eye. She's the camera.

Leo Fitz: It switches to backscatter when she closes her eyes.

Skye (to Ward): You're a robot, can you do that?

Phil Coulson: You seen Skye?

Grant Ward: Not since weapons training.

Phil Coulson: She stop saying "bang" when she pulls the trigger?

Grant Ward: Mostly. Now if she can just learn the difference between the safety release and the magazine release, we'll be making real progress.

Melinda May: I've already seen far more combat than I bargained for. This two-man extraction team? That's exactly the kind of action I was hoping to avoid.

Phil Coulson: That's why you're not on it.

Melinda May: Specialist work is different from field work, believe me. When was the last time you...

Phil Coulson: Hall's one of ours and he's in trouble. I need two men to get him out. Ward makes one. So that's why I'm going in. You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers.

(Coulson leaves the room...)

Melinda May: And you died.

Nick Fury: Really? Really, Coulson? Six days? It only took you six days to take a completely renovated piece of state-of-the-an machinery, and turn it into scrap?

Phil Coulson: My team acted with my authority.

Nick Fury: Don't talk to me about authority. Do you know how much this plane cost? It's got a bar. A really nice one. Talking to me about authority. You know, I have the authority to downgrade your ass to a Winnebago.

Phil Coulson: I'm aware of that, sir.

Nick Fury: Well, I want it fixed just like you found it. So don't have Fitz-Simmons going making modifications like a damn fish tank.

Phil Coulson: Yes, sir.

(After Fury leaves...)

Phil Coulson: Yeah, we're gonna have to kill the fish tank.

Camilla Reyes: I forgot you're such a sentimentalist, Phillip. Romanticizing history.

Phil Coulson: Yeah, most of it's glued down. There was an elegance to things back then.

Camilla Reyes: There we agree.

Phil Coulson: With everything around us changing so quickly, it doesn't hurt to have a few touchstones to the past. Reminds me of what's important.

Phil Coulson: We still need to iron out the kinks. But, Ward, you can speak six languages. Simmons, you have two PhDs in fields I can't pronounce, and, Fitz, you are a rocket scientist. So work it out. (leaves the room)

Skye: I'm good at stuff, too!

Skye: And an 084 is?

Phil Coulson: An object of unknown origin. Kind of like you. Team goes in, determines if it's useful or if it poses a threat. The last one turned out to be pretty interesting.

Skye: And what was the last one?

Phil Coulson: A hammer.

Grant Ward: Skye? The girl's not qualified to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.

Phil Coulson: Agreed. That's why I've invited her on as a consultant. S.H.l.E.L.D. does it all the time. Technically, Stark's a consultant.

Grant Ward: And technically, Skye's a member of the Rising Tide. She hacked our RSA implementation.

Phil Coulson: Twice. From a laptop. Imagine what she'll do with our resources.

(Coulson injects Ward with a truth drug...)

Grant Ward: Hey! What the hell?!

Phil Coulson: I'm sorry. Did that hurt?

Grant Ward: No. But you've lost your mind. You should never do that to a member of your team. And, yes, it did hurt a little bit. But I always try and mask my pain in front of beautiful women 'cause I think it makes me seem more masculine. My god, this stuff works fast.

(Coulson arrives in Lola...)

Leo Fitz (to Ward): One of Coulson's old S.H.I.E.L.D. Collectibles. Flamethrowers, world's first GPS. He's mad for this crap.

Phil Coulson: Don't touch Lola.

Leo Fitz (to Ward): And he calls it a girl's name.

Phil Coulson: Lola's not just a collectible, you know. People tend to confuse the words "new" and "improved."

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