Viktor Hargreeves: So I, uh, talked to Marcus last night.
Diego Hargreeves: Wait, what? You talked with the enemy? By yourself?
Viktor Hargreeves: Somebody had to do something.
Diego Hargreeves: Who elected you, Vanya?
Viktor Hargreeves: It's, uh, Viktor.
Diego Hargreeves: Who's Viktor?
Viktor Hargreeves: I am. It's who I've always been. Uh, is that an issue for anyone?
Diego Hargreeves: Nah, I'm good with it.
Klaus Hargreeves: Yeah, me too. Cool.
Number Five: Truly happy for you, Viktor. But last time I checked, you don't speak for this family.
Vanya Hargreeves (to everyone): Thank God you're alive.
Klaus Hargreeves: Apparently, so is Ben.
Allison Hargreeves: Yeah. And he's a complete d*ckhead.
Diego Hargreeves: They're all d*ckheads.
Luther Hargreeves: D*ckheads who can fight.
Number Five: Okay, next person to say "d*ckhead" is getting a punch to the throat.
Allison Hargreeves: D*ckhead.
Luther Hargreeves: D*ckhead.
Klaus Hargreeves: D*ckhead.
Diego Hargreeves: D*ckhead.
Number Five: You're not supposed to exist in close proximity to yourself in the same timeline. The side effects can be disastrous.
Luther Hargreeves: Side effects? What sort of side effects?
Number Five: Well, according to Commission Handbook Chapter 27, subsection 3b, the seven stages in paradox psychosis are... stage one: denial, two: itching, three: extreme thirst and urination, four: excessive gas, five: acute paranoia, six: uncontrolled perspiration, and seven: homicidal rage.
Number Five: Right now, our priority is finding Dad and getting answers, 'cause everything else depends on it.
Diego Hargreeves: Which, for the record, I found him already.
Number Five: And then let him go before we could have a meaningful conversation.
Diego Hargreeves: He stabbed me.
Number Five: I'm surprised he waited this long, Diego. We've all had the urge.
Lila Pitts: Good one.
Vanya Hargreeves: I can't help you, Five. I don't even know who I am.
Number Five: You're our sister. And a member of the Umbrella Academy. Like it or not, that's who you are.
Vanya Hargreeves: Look, that's who I was, okay? New timeline, new me.
Number Five: No, that's not how it work... (Vanya drives off and Luther gives him the finger) Wonder if it's too late to be un-adopted.
Dancer: I'm more worried about the kid.
Luther Hargreeves: What kid?
Dancer: By the stage. I told him we don't allow minors.
Luther Hargreeves: Oh, yeah? And what'd he say?
Dancer: He asked what time I was getting off work. (laughs)
(Luther goes to the stage...)
Luther Hargreeves (to Five): She's too young for you.
Number Five: Nice to see you too, Luther.