Sheldon Cooper: I was going through our expenditures and noticed our grocery bills are up 12 % compared to last quarter. Any idea why?
George Cooper Sr.: There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free.
Meemaw: There's a person at the other end of the table that eats for three.
Pastor Jeff: And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon Cooper: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary Cooper: Let's talk about it in the car.
Pastor Jeff: ...the Lord. (Meemaw raises her hand) Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.
Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Cooper Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary Cooper: He still makes me stir it.
Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary Cooper: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary Cooper: Apparently, they caused the plague.
Georgie Cooper: What about a bird?
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.
Meemaw: There's something about him. I mean, he's smart as hell, and gentle and funny. Not always on purpose, but he's funny. I never met anybody like him.
George Cooper Sr.: Sounds like Sheldon.
Meemaw: Now, why would you go and put that thought in my mind?
George Cooper Sr.: Did you understand any of it? (Theoretical physics lecture)
Meemaw: Not a word. But he had on a tweed jacket with the elbow patches, so he must know what he's talking about.
Georgie Cooper: Hey, now that you're treating him like an adult, can I have his allowance?
George Cooper Sr.: That allowance is for chores, which you already don't do.
Georgie Cooper: Come on. We all know I'm your favorite.
Meemaw: You're not even his third favorite.
George Cooper Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary Cooper: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
Georgie Cooper: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid, he tucks in those shirts.
(They go spy on her through the fence)
Mary Cooper: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.
Mary Cooper: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary Cooper: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.
Mary Cooper: If you're not gonna help, please go inside. This is not a show.
Meemaw: Now that's where I disagree.
Mary Cooper: I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon Cooper: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary Cooper: What's this, now?
Sheldon Cooper: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary Cooper: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.
George Cooper Sr.: What other religions you considering?
Sheldon Cooper: Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, all of them.
Mary Cooper: Nope. Nope. That's not happening.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, why? As an American, don't I have freedom of religion?
Meemaw (to Mary): Those dungeons and dragons are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm also looking into voodoo.
Meemaw: Maybe y'all are being a little selfish about this.
Mary Cooper: Selfish? We're thinking of him.
Meemaw: Well, that's all well and good, but maybe you should be thinking about the whole world. I mean, what if Einstein's parents had held him back? We wouldn't even have the... Well, I was gonna say atomic bomb, but there's probably a better example.
Sheldon Cooper: Statistically, always punting on fourth down makes no sense.
George Cooper Jr.: Statistically, you're a dumb-ass.
Sheldon Cooper: When the Aggies give up the ball on their own fiveyard line, the opposing team has a 92% chance of scoring. When they punt from deep in their own territory, the other team still has a 77% chance of scoring. But since they convert on fourth down 50% of the time, the math says they should never punt again.
Meemaw (to Mary): Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?
Meemaw: Your Pop-Pop used to have little chest pains all the time.
Sheldon Cooper: Didn't he die of a heart attack?
Meemaw: Well, for insurance purposes, yes.