George Cooper Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary Cooper: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
Georgie Cooper: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid, he tucks in those shirts.
(They go spy on her through the fence)
Mary Cooper: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.
Georgie Cooper: What are you doing?
George Cooper Sr.: Separating the whites from the colors.
Georgie Cooper: Whoa, that's racist.
George Cooper Sr.: How did I get a rocket scientist for one son and a rodeo clown for the other?
George Cooper Sr.: 'Cause if I do, it sets a bad precedent.
Georgie Cooper: What's Nixon got to do with it?
George Cooper Sr.: What?
Georgie Cooper: You said "bad president," like Nixon.
Mary Cooper: He's nine years old.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, come on, you can't measure him in Earth years.
George Cooper Sr.: Sheldon forged a letter to get out of P.E.?
Mary Cooper: Looks like it.
George Cooper Sr.: How about that.
Mary Cooper: Don't be proud of him.
George Cooper Sr.: Can't help it. First time he ever seemed like my kid.
Mary Cooper: You're a good dad.
George Cooper Sr.: If I don't kill one of them before Sunday, I'm a good dad.
Mary Cooper: Let's talk about food.
George Cooper Sr.: No need to. He likes his meat cooked to at least 165 degrees, except for chicken, which is 180. The different foods can't touch each other on the plate. Ketchup and mustard must come out of a packet. No bottles.
Mary Cooper: What about his issues with spaghetti?
George Cooper Sr.: That's a trick question. He likes spaghetti.
Mary Cooper: All right, I guess you got this.
Sheldon Cooper: Moth! Moth!
George Cooper Sr.: Sheldon, it's just a butterfly.
Sheldon Cooper: How is that any better? Butterfly, butterfly!
Mary Cooper: George. You have to make an effort. Young boys who don't spend time with their daddies grow up to be oddballs.
George Cooper Sr.: Honey, I hate to tell you, but that ball is already pretty odd.
Sheldon Cooper: Dad, can we afford a computer?
George Cooper Sr.: You do my taxes. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: Never mind.
George Cooper Sr.: You think Sheldon's right?
Mary Cooper: About what?
George Cooper Sr.: The punting and the math.
Mary Cooper: I should think so. He's been doing our taxes since he's six years old. We never been audited.
George Cooper Sr.: That's true.
Mary Cooper: He even got us that nice refund last year.
George Cooper Sr. (to Mary): Sheldon's fine. You know what he's like. If someone took him, I'm sure they'll bring him right back.
Sheldon Cooper: You said he didn't create the sun until day four.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: So how could there be light the first three days?
Pastor Jeff: God is light.
Sheldon Cooper: So God's a photon?
Pastor Jeff: God's what made photons possible.
Sheldon Cooper: And what day did he do that?
Pastor Jeff: I would think day one.
Sheldon Cooper: How could you count the days...?
George Cooper Sr. (whispering to Mary): If I grab my chest and keel over, maybe we can get out of here.
Mary Cooper: That's a terrible thing to say.
Pastor Jeff: ...because the first day had just begun.
Sheldon Cooper: So, before the Big Bang?
Pastor Jeff: There was no Big Bang. There was only the Word.
Sheldon Cooper: Was the word "kaboom"?