Mary Cooper (about Veronica): She's just having a rough time at home.
George Cooper Sr.: What's going on?
Mary Cooper: Her mother's boyfriend has a drinking problem, and... things have been getting out of hand.
George Cooper Sr.: You waited till I had a beer to tell me this story, didn't you?
Mary Cooper: You always have a beer.
(George brings Sheldon to make interview on Local News...)
George Cooper Sr.: He's not a communist. He's ten years old. Listen, I fought for this country. I love this country. My kids love this country. Isn't that right, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Although, in all fairness, the Social Security system is a form of...
George Cooper Sr.: You love this country!
Sheldon Cooper: I love this country.
Mary Cooper: He's only doing it 'cause of that Veronica girl.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, sure. That makes sense.
Mary Cooper: What do you mean, it makes sense?
George Cooper Sr.: When I was his age, I hitchhiked to Florida 'cause I had a friend that had a girlfriend who knew a girl who might be willing.
Meemaw: But then you met my daughter and you didn't have to travel so far. (laughs)
Sheldon Cooper: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George Cooper Sr.: I guess. Why?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George Cooper Sr.: Yeah. So?
Sheldon Cooper: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George Cooper Sr.: Not at all.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
George Cooper Sr.: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon Cooper: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George Cooper Sr.: At all costs.
Sheldon Cooper: Hearing that further convinces me I'll never get married.
George Cooper Sr.: Never say never.
Sheldon Cooper: Why not? You just said it twice.
Scientist: Missy, what do you think is happening in this picture?
Missy Cooper: The girl monkey on the couch is telling the guy monkey a secret. Must be something juicy, 'cause he's smiling. It might be dirty, 'cause this girl monkey is sending the kid monkey out of the room. He doesn't want to go. He looks sad. The monkeys on the couch are drinking tea, so it's a tea party.
Scientist: Okay, very good. Let's look at another picture.
I'm not done. The monkey in the painting is wearing an old lady hat, so she's probably a meemaw monkey. She's not at the party, so she must be bowling or dead.
George Cooper Sr.: Well, Missy won that round.
John Sturgis: It's actually not a contest, George.
Missy Cooper: This is Texas. Everything's a contest.
George Cooper Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy Cooper: Mom gives us kisses.
George Cooper Sr.: Fine.
Missy Cooper: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Cooper Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: I respectfully pass.
Missy Cooper: Mom also does the good night dance.
George Cooper Sr.: Now you're just screwing with me. Night.
Sheldon Cooper: You should've gone with "sings us a lullaby."
Missy Cooper: Yeah, I got cocky.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.