Sheldon Cooper: I was going through our expenditures and noticed our grocery bills are up 12 % compared to last quarter. Any idea why?
George Cooper Sr.: There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free.
Meemaw: There's a person at the other end of the table that eats for three.
George Cooper Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy Cooper: Mom gives us kisses.
George Cooper Sr.: Fine.
Missy Cooper: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Cooper Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: I respectfully pass.
Missy Cooper: Mom also does the good night dance.
George Cooper Sr.: Now you're just screwing with me. Night.
Sheldon Cooper: You should've gone with "sings us a lullaby."
Missy Cooper: Yeah, I got cocky.
Sheldon Cooper: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy Cooper: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary Cooper: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George Cooper Sr.: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.
Mary Cooper: These are parents we can actually relate to.
George Cooper Sr.: Yeah, sure.
Mary Cooper: All the times we wonder if we're doing right by Sheldon or how to handle him, we finally have someone to compare notes with.
George Cooper Sr.: There's notes? I just been winging it.
George Cooper Sr.: Let me tell you about my day. I got yelled at by the principal for benching a linebacker who's flunking English. Then I got yelled at even more by the kid's parents. Then I had to break up a fight in the locker room. Got elbowed in the neck.
Sheldon Cooper: That's a rough day.
George Cooper Sr.: That was all before 10:00 a.m. So I get what you're going through. But you'll notice, I didn't come home and take it out on you.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you didn't.
George Cooper Sr.: I want you to get back in there, apologize to everyone, and finish your dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, sir.
Sheldon Cooper (narration): My father's wisdom touched me deeply. Which is why, to this day, no matter what I'm going through, I am never irritating or abusive to any of my friends or loved ones. Ask them. They'll tell you.
George Cooper Sr.: I know you're worried, but... he needs to experience the world a little bit. Why not let him do it when most of it's asleep?
Mary Cooper: I suppose you're right.
Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Cooper Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary Cooper: He still makes me stir it.
Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary Cooper: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary Cooper: Apparently, they caused the plague.
Georgie Cooper: What about a bird?
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.
George Cooper Sr.: Morning, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. Uh, you didn't see a dog wandering around here, did you?
George Cooper Sr.: No. Y'all get a dog?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, sort of. We took him in after my brother-in-law had to go live in a gated community.
George Cooper Sr.: Oh, that sounds nice, uh, they got a no pets policy?
Herschel Sparks: He's in jail, George.
Meemaw: There's something about him. I mean, he's smart as hell, and gentle and funny. Not always on purpose, but he's funny. I never met anybody like him.
George Cooper Sr.: Sounds like Sheldon.
Meemaw: Now, why would you go and put that thought in my mind?
George Cooper Sr.: Did you understand any of it? (Theoretical physics lecture)
Meemaw: Not a word. But he had on a tweed jacket with the elbow patches, so he must know what he's talking about.
Georgie Cooper: Hey, now that you're treating him like an adult, can I have his allowance?
George Cooper Sr.: That allowance is for chores, which you already don't do.
Georgie Cooper: Come on. We all know I'm your favorite.
Meemaw: You're not even his third favorite.
George Cooper Sr.: The little Sparks girl?
Mary Cooper: You're kidding. She seems so sweet.
Georgie Cooper: He says she slaps him around, takes his lunch money. She even put a tadpole down his shirt.
Meemaw: Poor kid, he tucks in those shirts.
(They go spy on her through the fence)
Mary Cooper: She looks harmless.
Meemaw: She's cute. So she probably gets away with stuff. I'm like that.