(Frank is called into school, because Carl is bullying other students...)
Frank Gallagher: Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem. It teaches kids resilience. The world is a rough place. Bullying is like getting inoculated. It's a vaccine. And you little sh*ts, you got to learn to stay away from people like my son. That's what you learn when you get punched in the face by a bully. How do you think Steve Jobs turned out so great? Bullies. And I guarantee Junior here will be getting the hottest chicks when he's 30 because he got bullied today. You want your kid to peak now? My kid will be picking up roadside garbage in an orange jumpsuit in ten years. Your kid will be in med school curing cancer and getting laid. You're welcome.
Carl Gallagher: What if I want to cure cancer?
Frank Gallagher: Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea from your cell mate. Spoken with love, son.
(Doctors told Frank he'll die if he won't stop drinking alcohol...)
Frank Gallagher: Tragedy makes kids tough, Fiona.
Fiona Gallagher: Then be the fabulous narcissist that you are, and do it for yourself.
Frank Gallagher: What if I don't want to change?
Fiona Gallagher: Then I would know what I've always feared is true.
Frank Gallagher: What is that?
Fiona Gallagher: That you don't give a sh*t about any of us. So do it for you. Do it for your kids. It doesn't matter. Do it.
Fiona Gallagher: He said if you don't stop drinking, you're gonna die. As in dead, you know, like, no longer living? And soon.
Frank Gallagher: When did you start to care?
Fiona Gallagher: Not sure that I do. I've dreamt about your death. Put money in a collection box and prayed for it. Blew out my birthday candles, wished for it. If it actually ever happened, I don't know if I'd feel relief or guilt.
Frank Gallagher (laughs): Your birthday candles?
Fiona Gallagher: I wrote a letter to Santa once.
Frank Gallagher: So I'm supposed to stop drinking so that you don't feel guilty?
Fiona Gallagher: No. You're supposed to stop drinking because you have children at home who love you. And I don't know why. Who would be destroyed if anything happened to you.
Fiona Gallagher: The doctor talk to you, Frank?
Frank Gallagher: Yeah. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, stop drinking. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
Fiona Gallagher: He told me you were really sick.
Frank Gallagher: Do I look really sick to you? (flexes)
Fiona Gallagher: Said you were throwing up blood.
Frank Gallagher: That's 'cause I've got too much of it in me. It's a filtration process. My body knows how to flush itself out.
(Police is arresting Carl...)
Police officer: We're taking your son in for questioning.
Frank Gallagher: He didn't do the heist. I did. You see? Shiny, but a little bit big. I also got a boatload of electronics. Those sold fast. Did you know Chicago has several 24-hour pawn shops? He didn't... He's innocent. I forced him to give me the code. Didn't I, son? Tell him. Oh, my God. He's dumber than a bag of hair. He couldn't pull off a Band-Aid, much less a robbery. Okay, here, cuff me before I get disorderly. Be brave, son. Order room service.
Ian Gallagher: What happened?
Lip Gallagher: Hell froze over.
Carl Gallagher: Why would a dude put his p*nis in another dude's mouth?
Frank Gallagher: Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves like they prefer male genitalia to female genitalia.
Carl Gallagher: Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?
Frank Gallagher: Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted to each other's build. And once a connection gets made, then the wieners get licked.
Terry Milkovich: Gallagher!
Frank Gallagher: I paid you! I paid you, Terry!
(Frank is running away, but Terry is going after Ian...)
Monica Gallagher: What the f**k, Milkovich?!
Terry Milkovich: Get the f**k off me, you crazy b*tch; this ain't about you.
Monica Gallagher: Frank, what the hell did you do?
Frank Gallagher: Why is it always my fault?
Terry Milkovich: My... little... princess...
Monica Gallagher: Leave him alone!
Terry Milkovich: My Mandy's pregnant, and this little sh*t's gonna pay.
Frank Gallagher (gives Ian a thumbs up): Atta boy.
(Frank and a homeless man watch Steve coach football...)
Frank Gallagher: I wish I'd had a girl coach. I'd totally tap that.
Homeless man: Yeah. I love long hair.
Frank Gallagher: No, no, no. The one with the little brunette pixieish cut. Man... Like a 1963 brunette Mia Farrow. No t*tties, all a$$. Just sit and spin her all night long. Heaven.
Homeless man: I-I think that's a dude.
Frank Gallagher: Big responsibility, being a parent.
Lip Gallagher: Is that right?
Frank Gallagher: That's what I'm trying to tell you. My philosophy. You got to let kids learn for themselves.
Lip Gallagher: You mean, fend for themselves?
Frank Gallagher: You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime. I raise fishermen. The best gift you can give, neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance. Now, do the right thing. Split. Not our fault she was careless.