Carl Gallagher Quotes

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(Frank wakes up after his liver transplant surgery...)

Sheila Jackson: He's awake! Just like I told you.

Doctor: This is good news. A lot sooner than expected.

Carl Gallagher: He thinks we're different people. You screwed his brain on backwards.

Carl Gallagher: You love Mickey?

Ian Gallagher: I like how he smells.

(Mickey comes out of the room...)

Mickey Milkovich: What you asking stupid f**king questions for?

Carl Gallagher: You were nicer when you were asleep.

Teacher: So what have we learned?

Carl Gallagher: Bullying is bad for society. It hurts people and makes them feel bad. It must be stopped.

Teacher: Very good. (leaves)

(Carl sees a kid walking down the hallway...)

Carl Gallagher: Forgot my lunch. Give me money. Give me money, chihuahua. Come on, give me money.

(Frank is called into school, because Carl is bullying other students...)

Frank Gallagher: Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem. It teaches kids resilience. The world is a rough place. Bullying is like getting inoculated. It's a vaccine. And you little sh*ts, you got to learn to stay away from people like my son. That's what you learn when you get punched in the face by a bully. How do you think Steve Jobs turned out so great? Bullies. And I guarantee Junior here will be getting the hottest chicks when he's 30 because he got bullied today. You want your kid to peak now? My kid will be picking up roadside garbage in an orange jumpsuit in ten years. Your kid will be in med school curing cancer and getting laid. You're welcome.

Carl Gallagher: What if I want to cure cancer?

Frank Gallagher: Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea from your cell mate. Spoken with love, son.

(Ian tells a story how he tried to steal a helicopter...)

Carl Gallagher: You shoot anyone?

Ian Gallagher: I never left basic.

Carl Gallagher: You can't shoot anyone there?

Ian Gallagher: You can. I didn't.

Carl Gallagher: You shot no one. You flew nothing. Why'd you even go there in the first place?

Ian Gallagher: Relationship issues.

Lip Gallagher: Hey, you guys heard anything from Ian?

Debbie Gallagher: Not for weeks. And Fiona doesn't even care.

Lip Gallagher: What about the U.S. Army? You hear anything from them?

(Flashback from not too long ago...)

Sergeant Benz: We're looking for Phillip Gallagher.

Carl Gallagher: He's at college. (slams the door)

(Back a present time...)

Carl Gallagher: No.

Carl Gallagher: Who beat you up again?

Ian Gallagher: No one. It's ROTC, practicing hand-to-hand.

Carl Gallagher: Marines still fight with their fists?

Ian Gallagher: In certain situations, yes.

Carl Gallagher: Then what's the point of building nukes?

Fiona Gallagher: Gross national product.

Carl Gallagher: Why would a dude put his p*nis in another dude's mouth?

Frank Gallagher: Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves like they prefer male genitalia to female genitalia.

Carl Gallagher: Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?

Frank Gallagher: Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted to each other's build. And once a connection gets made, then the wieners get licked.

Carl Gallagher: Dad?

Frank Gallagher: Yeah?

Carl Gallagher: What's this? (holds up a sex toy)

Frank Gallagher: Uh, that's a pacifier for your an*s.

Carl Gallagher: We've been at this camp for a whole day without seeing the lake. I've never seen a lake before.

Hanley: Not even Lake Michigan?

Carl Gallagher: Where's that?

Debbie Gallagher (singing):

I will burn for you

feel pain for you

I will twist the knife

and bleed my aching heart.

Lip Gallagher: What's up with Debs?

Carl Gallagher: Obsessed with death.

[cat_desc slug=terry-milkovich link=false]

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