Books Quotes

Henry: Someone else's choice doesn't change who you are.

Alex: I feel like it does. I wanted to believe in some people being good and doing this job because they want to do good. Doing the right things most of the time and most things for the right reasons. I wanted to be the kind of person who believes in that.

Henry: You still are. Because you still bloody care so much. And you are good. Most things are awful most of the time, but you're good.

June (to Zahra): How could you possibly have a boyfriend we don't know about?

Alex: I see you more than I see clean underwear.

Ellen: You're not changing your underwear often enough, sugar.

Alex: I go commando a lot. Is this like a "my Canadian girlfriend" thing? Does he "go to a different school"?

Zahra: You really are determined to get shoved out of an emergency hatch one day, huh? It's long distance. But not like that. No more questions.

(Henry's email to Alex...)

Henry: When I'm not thinking about your face, I'm thinking about your arse or your hands or your smart mouth. I suspect the latter is what got me into this predicament in the first place. Nobody's ever got the nerve to be cheeky to a prince, except you. The moment you first called me a prick, my fate was sealed.

(Henry's email to Alex...)

Henry: Alex, I can't think of a single other way to start this email except to say, and I do hope you will forgive both my language and my utter lack of restraint: You are so f**king beautiful. I've been useless for a week, driven around for appearances and meetings, lucky if I've made a single meaningful contribution to any of them. How is a man to get anything done knowing Alex Claremont-Diaz is out there on the loose? I am driven to distraction.

(After Zahra notices Alex has hickey...)

Zahra (to Alex): I will chop my own tit off before I let you pull some idiotic stunt to cause your mother, our first female president, to be the first president to lose reelection since H f**king W. Do you understand me? I will lock you in your room for the next year if I have to, and you can take your finals by f**king smoke signal. I will staple your dick to the inside of your leg if that keeps it in your f**king pants.

(Emails between Alex & Henry)

Alex: His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Whatever, don't make me learn your actual title. Are you going to be at the Paris fund-raiser for rainforest conservation this weekend? - Alex First Son of Your Former Colony

Henry: Alex, First Son of Off-Brand England: First, you should know how terribly inappropriate it is for you to intentionally botch my title. I could have you made into a royal settee cushion for that kind of lèse-majesté. Fortunately for you, I do not think you would complement my sitting room decor.

Henry: I don't suppose you'll be anywhere near Kensington anytime soon?

Alex: That sh*thole? Not if I can help it.

Henry: Oi. That's disrespect of the crown, that is. Insubordination. I've thrown men in the dungeons for less.

Alex: Hey, don't threaten me with a good time.

June (about Alex and Henry): Oh my God, this is like all those romantic comedies where the girl hires a male escort to pretend to be her wedding date and then falls in love with him for real.

Alex: That is not at all what this is like.

Alex (about Henry): We kind of weirdly have stuff in common and, I guess, similar weird emotional baggage and neuroses, and for some reason I felt like he would get it.

June: Oh my God, Alex, (hugs him) you made a friend!

Alex: I have friends! Get off me!

June: You made a friend! I'm so proud of you!

Alex: I'm gonna murder you, stop it. He's not my friend. He's someone I like to antagonize all the time, and one time I talked to him about something real.

June: That's a friend, Alex.

Alex: You're kind of surprising.

Henry: In what way?

Alex: In that you're not a totally boring a$$hole.

Henry: Wow, I'm honored.

Alex: I guess you have your depths.

Henry: You thought I was a dumb blond, didn't you?

Alex: Not exactly, just, boring...

Henry: I'm really going to have you offed. You'll never see it coming. Our assassins are trained in discretion. They will come in the night, and it will look like a humiliating accident.

Alex: Autoerotic asphyxiation?

Henry: Toilet heart attack.

Alex: Jesus.

Henry: You've been warned.

Alex: I thought you'd kill me in a more personal way. Silk pillow over my face, slow and gentle suffocation. Just you and me. Sensual.

Henry: Alex? Have you really rung me at three o'clock in the morning to make me listen to a turkey?

Alex: Yes, obviously.

Henry: Patterns are considered a "statement." Royals aren't supposed to make statements with what we wear.

Alex: Do it for the gram.

Henry: You are the thistle in the tender and sensitive arse crack of my life.

(Henry sends a screenshot of a tweet: "Is Alex Claremont-Diaz going to be a father?")

Henry: But we were ever so careful, dear.

Alex: I had to sign such a massive NDA that I'm convinced I'm gonna drop through a trapdoor into a torture dungeon any minute.

Nora: I bet he has a secret lovechild. Or he's gay. Or he has a secret gay lovechild.

Alex: It's probably in case I see his equerry putting his batteries back in.

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