James Breakwell: My wife and I divided up the important talks we'll have with our daughters. She'll handle puberty, sex, and college. I'll handle zombies.
Wife: You're still out of breath?
Me: I ran hard.
Wife: That was yesterday.
Me: Just a few more minutes.
James Breakwell: My 2-year-old is walking around calling her lightsaber a “life saver.” We have a dangerous misunderstanding on our hands.
Me: Scientists found what makes hair turn gray and fall out.
Wife: They discovered children?
Me: Who ate my brownie?
2-year-old: A penguin.
Me: Are you the penguin?
2: *waddles away*
Kyra Sivertson: You bite the bullet, the bullet bite- No. You bite the dog... You bite the hand that feeds you... I don't know.